When will my reflection show who I am inside....

This shall be my post for the end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011. I suppose many people are making a point to have a new year's resolution by now but I would rather have a reflection on 2010.

On Family.

Its been a challenging year for us this 2010. Though it was a good start early of the year what more with Hannah only reaching 6 months old in January 2010. We were still very excited having a new baby around. I started planning to have an early retirement and be a fulltime housewife as we feel the girls needs more attention and most importantly my mum needs her time to rest and enjoy her golden years. I spoke to my boss and though he has much to hope that I stay and was coming out with plans for me to work 1/2 day as long as I continue to work for him.

It was also a very much awaited holiday in June to Teluk Batik and at the same time happy to see Bro Wai Kiong and Shona who came to Malaysia for a visit and at the same time handing over some 'job' for me. Little did I know (though I do have this weird feeling few weeks before) that our family would involve in a car accident on our way back from our holiday. It was a shock to everyone especially to friends and family who suddenly remembers and started calling but phone was not answered and to those who just a moment ago were talking and sms-ing with me.

Honestly, at that point of time I thought I was going to die..then later think that my immediate surgery was some minor surgery only to be told by the anesthetist that its a BIG one and I can bleed to death! Shocking but, alhamdulillah.. I made it through..

I must say our family grew stronger, I know I have so many people who cares and loves me for who I am. I know how it feels to have a child so helplessly in the intnesive care unit and I was unable to even have a glance at her. I realize how life is so so precious that no argument, fight nor misunderstanding worth to be kept deep in the heart.. I finally realize what 'let bygones be bygones'.

At the most terrible time of my life, my family.. the entire big, huge circle of family, near and far, came to help, called all the way from Dubai (Auntie Aileen) after soo many years! I love you all.. each and every one of you for who you are..

On Friendship

It was also because of the accident I started to seriously looking out to for the people whom I think have some unfinished business. People whom I have issues with those days to make up with. I started to cherish friendship more than I usually do. Many times more. I met 2 old friends, exchange hugs and 'I'm sorry' and felt great to be given a 2nd chance which I believe some people might not have.

I owed so much to friends who came to help. Real friends Lalitha, Laily, Jasni (rival turned good friends), All the staffs of Zain & Co, Deborah, Rebecca, Rajiv & Anita and the list goes on and on and on (believe me, its a looooong list u wouldn't want me to really list it down)

My brothers' girl friends Sasha and Fatihha who sees me in my most embarrassing moments! I will never be able to repay you.. I thank you from the bottom of my heart..

Met new friends Marina Sulaiman, a very soft spoken, down to earth young lady..

Myself.

I really only need to reflect on this 2 things really because it is afterall the most valuable things money can't buy..

I am thankful for the challenging 2010 as I grew older and hopefully wiser in life.

Alhamdulillah, I am better.. injuries are all 90% heal.. only the 'big worm' (a name sarah gave to my scar) on the forehead remain as a reminder of how lucky I am despite the tragic accident that could in a blink of an eye claim my life or the life of my loved ones.

I only hope that 2011 will make me a stronger and better person. May the girls , May my dear husband whose until today remains as the most supportive, caring, understanding creature in my entire life, May my brothers, my mother, cik man, specifically and the whole entire family be blessed with good health, success in whatever they plan for big or small, and be blessed with a prosperous year a head..amin...

Happy 2011!

Its Life in Zain & Co

I was back in the office on the 11^th October 2010 hence the silence in posting anything in this blog. Apart from I really have no idea what to post in here.. well, I have many things in mind but on and off, time has been quite jealous of me plus starting work again means limited time to do what I love to do.

 

Also, I was quite busy preparing Yasmeen for her year end exam. I’d say she did quite well.. as always, she got highest mark for English (97) and Science (90) as both are her favourite subject. Her Bahasa Melayu needs some boost and help, she got 65 and 85 and need not have to tell you her Bahasa Arab and Pendidikan Islan is just a little bit above passing mark. Did I do nothing to help her on that.. well... I have tried my level best but I don’t blame her too much because I believe exams are just exams.. as the important part about religious studies is that she understand it. But, I am working on it.. trying to sort out her time for her. She is a very bright girl and Insya-allah she can do better.

 

Off late, my office has been experiencing migration of employees out of the firm.. Leaving the firm with less and less and less people to work with. I have to admit that migration is part and parcel of life as it has been to each and every one of us. We move on from primary school to secondary school. Some of our schoolmates stay and move on to the same school, some left for better options. But at the end of it, we notice that we have gained (and hope to keep it that way) a friend and the friendship lasted even until after school or college or university era up to adulthood. I understand and was made to understand that many has left because of the wage that is still considered (own-consideration that is) on the low side and considered themselves underpaid and also many other reasons which mainly falls back to the perks and what does the firm has to offer the employees in return for their loyalty and hardwork. Cannot say for sure that the employees are on the right side nor can I say that the employer is the best in town but what I can say is that this place I am working at.. its not really 100% about the money alone... its the people.. its the relationship. Although there are bitter sweet as well but overall the people here are like family.. not just business, not just entirely work. Its ‘Life in Zain & Co’ that keeps us together. Then again, I must say, to others there are things that they are going after and that are more important to them, to their family and of course for the sake of their future. For that they have my 100% support as I always say to all of them.. “If that is the best for you, I shall support your decision as only you know best”.

 

Take this as a process of learning.. a process of growing.. like our school days.. people go elsewhere for their betterment but still the friendship, the bonding will remain.. I mean come on.. its just a phone call away.. its just an FB away to see how they are doing.. we are not competing.. we are complementing each other. Just like we did in the office.. we do the same at home.. as each person has something that they are good at..

 

I see people trying really hard to get another job.. I see others who already have an offer in hand but are indifferent.. Why? Because its the ‘Life in Zain & Co’.. If you feel there are nothing more worth for you to stay, and by going to a new place it will make a huge difference in your life as a person and it will make you happy by all means please.. When dealing with money, when the offer seems very tempting weight it side by side with the things that you’re going to leave behind.. is it worth the price?

 

Oh! I know you’re gonna ask me this.. ME?! Well, I am happy with what I have now.. Alhamdulillah.. this is not a total disastrous place for me, in fact this is where I grow, and if I am leaving it shall be for a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooong stay with the kids at home.. Which according to my prediction is not too long now.. We’ll see la ya...   

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

Its never easy to be a 'Hero'

I receive a call from a friend today. She just got to know about the accident and call to ask how's everything? As I answered her that we are all thankfully getting better each day the faces of my friend Faszilah Latif and her kids keep coming into my mind. She just lost her husband in a car accident few days ago. I could not imagine if it happened to me. Although the day will finally come when one of us would leave first and the other later (as it usually happen) I do pray that when that day finally comes, I would at least know who my kids were married to and that they are all grown up and no longer needs me. Not everyone could have the privilege to have a long life but I do hope I will be in the list.

I never regretted to have to face all that has happened. I only never imagined it could happen to me. That being said, I can never know how exactly my friend feel right now. To be talking to someone who used to sleep next to her that very morning and to be told that he is no longer alive that very night. I cried when I receive the text message from Gee, another friend of ours. It reminds me of how each and every moments with the family is the most precious ones.

Being in the hospital bed, unable to move, I once thought that if this is going to be the rest of my life, I would rather die than being a burden to the family.. That will be the usual thought in a person's mind when he/she is handicapped. But, for the people who loved them.. they only wanted to be able to see your smile, hear your voice, to be able to touch you and then nothing else matters. It doesn't even matter to them if they need to bathe you, feed you even do everything for you. I am blessed to be given the second chance. I once thought that I can go through this, I will be able to pull myself together simply because I am again blessed to be given the 2nd chance to keep my husband and 3 girls with me and not taken away.. And I can say it is not easy and will never be easy for someone who lost their other half to pull herself together for the sake of their child.

Being alone is never easy.. But the actual fact is.. she will never be.. May Allah be her guide, help her, give her strength, give her the patience, make everything else easy for her and her 2 girls. My dear friend Fadszillah.. I can never know how you feel.. but if there is anything, anything at all that I can do to help, please let me know..

before I pen off, here's Mariah Carey's "Hero". Look at the lyrics.. and u will understand

Theres a Hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid of what you are

Theres an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a HERO comes along
With a strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a HERO lies in you

Its a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourslef
And the emptyness you felt will dissappear

God knows Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on There will be tomorrow
In time you'll find the way

Taylor Swift-Today Was A Fairytale (song with lyrics)

Pictures of Life

I saw everyone uploading their Hari Raya pictures on their Facebook.. I wish I have 1.. usually the snapping family pictures on Hari Raya only happens smoothly @ Fendi's hometown in Melaka.. why? I don't really know why but maybe because it was never our tradition.. I really wish we would have a proper family pictures taken. I remember 1 was taken on my wedding day which is not really what I have in mind though.. I really want the whole family to gather and have it photographed.

Apart from Hari raya pictures, I rarely have my picture taken.. even before the accident and lost my smooth forehead.. came to think about it I should have taken more photos before la.. so girls, snap those pixies more often ya!

Last Saturday, apart from being reunited with my long lost friend, I also attended a wedding reception of one of my bff cum school friends. My habit of not sticking to 1 friends had me many many friends and family friends. I remember spending my after school hours at least 3-4 hours a day (maybe more than that) at my friends's place. Zuraya Basitar, Sharifah Farrah Yazlina, Zuraidah Zulkifli, Rafidah Abdul Kadir was among those who had me at their place.. sometimes having afternoon nap and lunch before heading home late in the evening.. Keluarga tumpang.. hahaha

This friend of mine, married to a 'racsal' when she was about 16 years old, had her son when she was suppose to be concentrating for her SPM. The only 1 reason that kept her going was FAMILY.. Her parents and her sibling have been giving great support. They really love her for who she was and never catch her by the throat for what has happened. But this rascal I was talking about, happily walked out on his wife and son, barely even see his own son. My friend took a courage move to file for a divorce! also with the support of her family.

Time flies.. most of us got married and have their own family.. but she remained alone.. a single parent.. I must say that she is very lucky to have such parents, siblings.. and she is one strong lady to go through so many things alone.. sometimes her son looked more like her brother.. My youngest brother and her son same age okay!! hahaha

She finally found her other half.. they got married last Saturday... I am very very happy for her and I am sure after all that she had gone through, this man is the one for her that will give her the happiness she has been waiting for.. she deserve it..

When you looked at the newspaper today.. about the abandoning of babies everywhere.. I think, family and the mother is always the key.. Mothers must not loose their senses.. I have seen a few of my friends who had child out of wedlock but was never part of the statistic of 'abandoning' their babies have mothers who are very supportive and never blame them or hate them for the mistakes that they've made. My highest level of respect to these ladies.

To my BFF, you know who you are, I wish and pray only for the best for you and your family.. Moga Allah menghadiahkan kehidupan yang gembira untuk kau dan keluarga kau, di dunia dan akhirat.. insya-allah...

Reunited.. in Joy and Sorrow.

Hari Raya is a day we all celebrate and spend most of our time going around visiting family, friends, attending to open houses as well as weddings. My 2nd weekend of hari raya this year was a special one. I was reunited with a long lost friend.

This goes back to about 4 years ago.. we just do not know what went wrong, suddenly a very good friend distance herself. I shall call it a mere misunderstanding.. but we kept away from each other more than 4 years, we don't even call each other on special days like Hari Raya or birthdays and sorry to say I even forgotten when is her birthday actually.

She also came from a broken family. Her parents divorced and both remarried living her choosing about who to live with since she was only 15 (or maybe younger). I don't have many good friend during school days as I usually go around mingling with different crowd every day but, she is very close to me.. I remember I cried terribly on her last day before she moved to another school in Selayang. I remember she came to visit me after about 1 year and she came during school hours so she could catch up with me. I also remember those days when she used to stay at my place, working in the 7-11 store just a few blocks from my mother's house.

I remember going to her mother's house in Puchong and came home pass midnight on the night before her wedding day. Me and another friend, did her makeup and hairdo for her and her sisters. I could still remember the smile on her husband's face the the word "Terima Kasih ye.. makeup-kan isteri aku... lawa dia hari ni" and he looked really proud and happy.. That day I was happy that my good friend found her other half..

I also remember on my wedding day, she came all the way from puchong on a motorbike, heavily pregnant with her 1st baby. She came.. just to celebrate my 'BIG' day and the next day, she gave birth to her baby boy.. after a month I gave birth to Yasmeen, she gave birth to her 2nd child.. a girl. She is one of those few people who have a twin born on a different date.

Yesterday's reunion was both a sad and happy one for us.. Sad because we were separated for so long, keeping silent and shutting out each other and Happy to now close all the old stories, still able to see each other and gave each other a BIG HUG of 'I miss u so much my friend'.. we were both in tears.. Tears of Joy and Sorrow..

I wish that our friendship will last forever and we could now tell our children the memories we had as good friends, sisters, companion and family..

Looking at how her family had grown, and the quietly smiling husband of hers holding their 1 year old son.. I am happy that she is happy...and hoping only for the best for her...

My long lost friend.. UFA.

Sweet September

Tuesday, 14th September 2010 marks a full 3 months after our accident.

I went for my follow up treatment (laser treatment for my scar) at Dr. Jalil Jidon's clinic. While waiting for my turn, I flipped the newspaper and saw a news about car accident involving a Police Corporal based in Ijok with his family. The word 'Ijok' reminds me of our accident scene so I showed it to Fendi whose sitting beside me. To our surprise, this was the man Fendi met to gain access to our stuff still in the Avanza in Ijok. 3 months after our accident, he met with one and that claimed his life and also his elder daughter's. My sympathy to his family, I wish there are words to console them but I believe there won't be any except the fact that his journey has come to an end and the hope that he will rest in peace.

3 months ago on this day, I lay at the hospital bed thinking of what i should do next and what's in store for me in the future. I was determined to get the surgery done soonest and get my feet back on the floor as fast as I can. But at the same time I was thinking like "will i be able to walk again?", "will I be able to have more kids" and worst "Will I be alive?! or am I going to die?"

Tomorrow will be the day I was born.. I am thankful to have gone through another year with my loved ones. I am thankful to have gone through another year being able to hug my girls at night and tell them how much I love them, I have gone through another year knowing that my younger brothers have grown up to be persons I can count on in times of difficulties, knowing that my 'most of the time' grumpy big brother loves his only sister as much as I always love and cherish him, knowing that I meant so much to my mother whose rarely even talk about it.. we just know.. and I continue to know that fact as its proven...Thankful that I have gone through another year filled with critical times but with my other half whose always think what's best for me..

While its time to celebrate another year older me, it is also time to say "Alhamdulillah" and pray that I have many more years to come.. insya-allah...

Hannah Rumaysa, is now very attached to me. She started sleeping with me, calling me

-maa-maa.. mammaaaa- something I've been longing for since the accident.

Mum has gone back to her normal operating hours- hahahaha.. no longer keep sleeping at my place.. home sweet home...I can never thank her enough what more to repay her..

OK lah, the girls is waiting for me to finish.. we're going out for a nice lunch and may be dinner...

Oh ya, before I pen off,

Today is a special day.. I would like to dedicate this part to my lovely sister - Karen Ho. who has been a wonderful, supportive sister, always with that smile and soft voice.. my big fan when it comes to food and cakes.. Happy Birthday Sister!

In Loving Memory and A view that was proven wrong..

4 years ago, I attended a funeral of a great mentor, a sister, companion and wonderful mother. It was a sudden death. She only had fever, passed out and was unconscious before she passed away peacefully beside her husband. When I reach her home, her then 10 years old daughter and her son (i think he was about 7-8 years old) was sitting beside her reciting Surah Yaasin. She looked different and that was the first time I see a lifeless body. Before she was taken away, all her children took turn to give her a final kiss goodbye. Last one was her 1 year old baby girl who refuse too get up and keep kissing her mother.. We all cried.. and at time Sarah was only 4 and as a mother I was deeply touched especially when the baby was still breastfeeding.

I was very close to both 'arwah' and her husband. She was my senior in secondary school married to our teacher when she was 16 years old I think and they both had a glamorous wedding in our school hall. When I first found out that her husband was getting married few months after she passed away, I was a bit irritated and annoyed.. (okay.. a lot!) thinking how easy his love changed places.. its like Pak Lah saying that a human heart has many 'sections'/places for different people in life.. I was like.. why the rush, why so soon? and I have so many doubts that the new person can be a good mother. I forgotten that its actually beyond my control and I have no say in that.. being too emotional over the fact that I am no one.. just a close friend. For a while I stayed away. A year after that, my teacher (arwah's husband who was also my 'abang angkat' during my school days) invited us to her daughter's 'majlis khatam qur'an'. From there my views have changes. I saw arwah's youngest daughter was very close to her stepm-mum although by that time she has already have a new baby sister. Seeing them getting along quite well, I finally felt a sense of relief... The kids are well taken care off (insya-allah). Needless to say her presence in our lives will be missed.. dearly but knowing that she will be at a better 'place' supersedes the sadness in my heart. She was a devoted mother. She was a very caring sister, a great daughter, wonderful mentor.. all in all its hard to find someone as 'cool' as my beloved and forever missed sister Sarina Shahbuddin.

Sometimes anger makes us forget the kindness people have given us. I was once blinded by that.. not any more.. though I do not want to be 'replaced' if I am no longer exist in this world, I should remember well tht when the time comes.. there is really nothing I can do.. and I don't think it will matter to me anymore. What matters most is the people left behind.. the husband, the children, the parents, siblings (list goes on) are all well taken care of.

I always remember what I had gone through during my childhood as the worst thing that had happened to me.. but after the accident I think that will be the 'worst thing happen in my life' story that I will be remembering and relaying 20 years down the road! (hahha...) as nothing beats the test of losing your children.. as I just told yasmeen last night that I love her very much.. although I might be caning her at times.. ( she said yes.. thats because you love me) I still love her and her sisters and they remain the most important person in my life that I will give up my own life for them.

Everything happens for a reason...

I might be quite late now that most of the people are heading off to Kampung but I sincerely would like to beg for forgiveness to all my friends and followers. Another year has passed and Alhamdulillah I am still around to bug your lives! hahaha

Salam Aidilfitri.. Maaf Zahir Batin from all of us..

Liza Masrina, Khairudin Affendi, Yasmeen Zulaikha, Sarah Khadijah & Hannah Rumaysa

Entry apa ni??

Lama betul rasanya tak guna Bahasa Melayu.. hehehe Sorry la Shona dear.. I missed Bahasa Melayu so this version, you will have to get Kiong to traslate it for you.

Aku sangat2 bersyukur (Alhamdulillah) and beruntung dikelilingi insan-insan ini dalam hidup aku. Fendi, my beloved husband (bahasa rojak dah keluar!), Yasmeen Zulaikha, Sarah Khadijah, Hannah Rumaysa, Mummy, Cik Man yang banyak berkorban tinggalkan rumah diorang yang sekarang ni dah jadi macam kapal karam, my Tai-Ko Nazrul Iskandar and his wifey Karen, adik2 aku Rizal Izuan, Khairil Adnan, Iqbal Amiri (yang dah lama gak la hilang), Kak Pye- my darling aunty cum nurse, Kiong and Shona, Uncle Sunny and Family, Aunty Aileen (yr call means a great deal) Mak mertua aku, nenek di kampung, Busu, Angah, Achik (husband's uncle) Gf adik2 ku.. Fatihha n Sasha yang siang malam jaga n teman kat Hospital, my bosses Mr. Rajiv Vijayanathan n wife Ms Anita, Kawan2 seperjuangan yang banyak membantu Lalitha, Shanti, Laily, Haslin, Jasni, Kak Ita, Zauyah - all your help even if it is just a prayer does help lift the burden. Semua yang telah datang melawat aku di Hospital yang menterjemahkan kepada maksud betapa seorang insan bernama Liza Masrina Ibrahim ini punyai ramai keluarga dan sahabat.

Aku selalu cakap, aku tak layak membenci orang sebab aku tak tau berapa ramai diluar sana yang membenci aku. Hakikatnya pada hari ini aku belum dapat mencari seorang pun kenalan yang bencikan aku.. Aku cume sedar betapa bertuah dan beruntungnya aku mempunyai ratusan kenalan dan sahabat yang sedia mendoakan kesejahteraan aku sewaktu aku ditimpa musibah.

Apa lagi yang aku inginkan dalam hidup ini? segalanya nampak sempurna walau dengan dahi yang kini bertanda (hehe). Aku pernah berkata dengan seorang sahabat yang aku tak mungkin dapat memaafkan seseorang yang pernah mencaci aku lebih dari yang sepatutnya. Aku terlalu benci dengan apa yang telah berlaku sehingga aku lupa yang kemaafan itu bukan hal mutlak aku! Siapa lah aku untuk tidak memaafkan orang lain bila adakalanya aku sendiri perlu minta di maafkan. Kini aku hidup tiada dendam.. tiada benci..

Aku membayangkan 15 tahun dari sekarang di usia 46 tahun, Yasmeen 23, Sarah 19, Hannah 16 aku bakal duduk semeja dengan anak2 aku, sambil gentel kuih raya mengingatkan mereka kepada tragedi yang hampir memisahkan kami. Also, remind Fendi of the days he felt so alone in doing his daily activity masa aku belum boleh berjalan.

Fendi, my husband yang nampak cool most of the time.. told me that he felt very lonely when he has to do things alone.. grocery shopping alone, buy makan alone, lagi? eh.. tak banyak pun yang kena buat alone and yet he felt lost.. awwwwwwww terharu ak! :P

Apapun ni kira entry versi Thank you kot.. kalau ada nama2 yang tidak disebutkan, ketahuilah kamu bahawa setiap apa yang pernah kamu berikan ke aku.. tak ku lupa cuma buat masa sekarang yang tengah menaip ni.. otak aku jam kejap.. harap maklum.

Adios..

Ramadhan towards the end.

Ramadhan will come to an end soon. Everything is still very fresh in mind. Too many things to be thankful for this year. Yasmeen fasted without a fuss this year.. unlike last year when she just started fasting, though she completed the whole month, there were times when she lay flat on the floor while waiting to break fast. This year, she did it easy! alhamdulillah...

Eid's preparation was done quite last minute. Usually we did our shopping before Ramadhan even started. This year it was done on the 2nd week of Ramadhan. I remember listening to a sermon which the Ustaz asked a question "Do we actually deserve to celebrate Eid when we havent' even started fasting yet?".

Ramadhan each year has its own memories. I remember Ramadhan 2002 when I was heavily preggy with Yasmeen and I only managed to fast on the 1st day. Gave birth to Yasmeen in the month of Ramadhan.

Allah gave us test to see if we could pull through. I was given a test to show how life has been so kind to me. It also reminds me of the life can be so short and nothing matters more than the life of our loved ones. We often took things for granted. Alhamdulillah.. I was given a 2nd chance. To live life the fullest. A 2nd chance to everyone else around me. I could not image having survived the accident but lost any one of my kids or lost my husband.

Hannah is more attached to me now though she still cling on mummy most of the time. I refuse to hang on the walking frame too much which makes Fendi constatly nagging near my ears! heheh sorry darling.. it is so bored having to hold that thing.

Mummy is still around helping me at home. Her place is now like an abandoned ship! Though I can walk almost steadily but I still could not squad down and bending knees is much much easier. I hope mummy do not have to be here for too long.. I think she deserve her good rest and relax.. Alhamdulillah she is very healthy.. very strong and the fact that all of us are ok is the only single thing that matters to her.

Mak (mum in law) on the other hand felt rather lonely. Its been almost 3 months now and I still did not go back to Melaka. We are usually back in Melaka once a month. Each time I call she would ask "Are you coming back to Melaka for Raya?"and I would give her an undefinite answer. I felt honoured, appreciated. She actually missed my presence in her house. I remember her crying when she first came to visit me after I was home from Ampang Puteri.

After this accident, am I a different person altogether? how has this tragic accident affect me? well, for instance, I appreciate life more. I am not a different person.. not at all... I am still very strict with the girls.. scold em, cane em, punish em when needed not because I don't feel how lucky I am to still have them but to ensure that I don't 'blow' the 2nd chance. Whats wrong is never right no matter how. I love them dearly, too much even and that is why I wanted to as much as possible guide them to the right path.. what every parents must do. I still scream sometimes (heheh)

But... I see life very very differently.. I appreciate each and every relationship.. family ties, friendship. Nothing is more important than family and friends. No matter how big a misunderstanding or a fight be it can never be more important or big enough to end those 2. I am sure hating someone can be very easy but believe me, leave it aside, start with a smile and forgive.. you gain a friend.. so why not?

Until this day I still could not find not even 1 single enemy.. but I do have so many friends and counting.

May Allah made the life of the people around me easy, guide and help me the same way they have helped me when I was in difficulties. Amin....

Are We Rich?

I remember one of my friend on FB, Kak Azlina Shariff, once posted on her status a question from her son. "Are we rich?". I never gave it real thought though.. until recently. People will usually look at what they have in order to give. Do we really have enough to give out to others?

When we say I do not have, does that means that we're poor? Or we just simply say we do not have in order to 'escape' from giving.

Sometimes we forgot how fortunate we are.. how much 'richer' we are as compare to other people.

1st of all, we are rich when we could still feel our heart beating. We are rich not being handicapped, we're rich when we can see.. Some people could not walk, couldn't see..

We're rich when we have so many people around us. Our family, friends, even good Samaritans who doesn't not know you but are willing to help.

We're rich because of the love we receive from others... but we rarely realize that we are 'filthy rich' to give..

We must realize that we're rich in order to give.. Give your time, give your attention, give your prayers, give your love.. especially to those around you, close to your heart.. coz we will never know when this 'wealth' will be taken away from us..

Finally, I now have an answer the next time my girls ask me this question.. I should say "Yes.. we are rich.. for being alive, for being able to walk, talk, see and touch, for having so much time and we are definitely rich with the love we have.. and for that we should always give"

Liza

Reaching out...

I always wanted my girls to be close to me. I enjoy being around them. I wanted to be the first person to see everything, know everything. I remember the first week Yasmeen went to school (primary 1) I cried almost everyday seeing her going on to her school transportation as early as 6.30am. I also remember screaming to her in the washroom of a shopping mall when she 'pooh' in her underpants! I was so so angry.. and I was heavily pregnant with Hannah at that time. I am loving but I am strict at the same time. I can easily turn down on their request and most of the time when I am agry they are really terrified. Fendi on the other side is more of a 'kind' daddy.. but beware.. don't push your luck but he hardly turn them down despite his anger most of the time the kids know they will get what they want even if papa is not happy.



You know, when you have more tham 1, they will do so many things to get your attention. Yasmeen knows that I will always want to know what she do at school. Sarah realize that I will spend much of my time sitting with Yasmeen going through her homework so she will usually do things to catch my attention. But, she is very considerate. Yasmeen is the centre of attention bcoz of her school etc and Hannah is also centre of attention coz she is still the baby.. Sarah, will most of the time be waiting till bed time and Hannah to doze off so that I can cuddle her and try pushing her down from the bed (which is impossible as she can freeze herself and be so stiff to be at the edge of the bed like a fence!) We (sarah n me) will know our trademark "Heart feel super happy" She will make a heart shape from both thumb and index finger. It was that word that trigger her smile when she was in ICU. I remember singing to her on my handphone try to sound as nice as I can and holding back tears.

"Stay with me and we can dream forever, right here in my arm tonight.." that was her favourite song from Barbie as the Island Princess.



Yasmeen, being the eldest, its always very easy to say things to her. She is very understanding (at the most critical time, please exclude the time when she wants something really bad). With her blue-black, swollen eye, I called her my blue-berry! she insist to come to visit me in the ward when I was in Sungai Buloh but instantly cried and cried when she sees me. Poor girl! I only said to her "Please be strong for me, Sarah n Hannah. Bcoz u r the eldest, and I am hoping for you to take care of your sisters." She only nod her head and tears still rolling down her cheek.. But soon settle down.



Hannah.... (i have to take a deep breath now..) She is... well, I can say that she is more 'ok' with me now. Though I can say that I expected more. I wanted the usual clinging Hannah, the one who will be so joyous the moment she sees me. Who have her hands reaching out to me when I step into my house. We were separated so quickly and drastically, all the things that we used to do together looks kinda strange to her.



Fendi always tell me to be patient.. soon she will be close to me.. especially when I am well enough to handle her myself.. Sometimes when I reach out my hands for her she just turn her back.. feels weird to me.. and often makes me feel sad and sadder every day.. But I have created a 'bin' and its call a 'go away bin'. I will put away all the negative feelings in the bin and clear it every day.. Every day is a fresh new day.. and to get well means, physically ans mentally so.. Clear my mind is very important.



I love my girls more than anything in this world and I know every parents feel the same! Yasmeen is sitting beside me reading through all I have typed so far and hugging me when we reach here. Feels so weird having someone sitting beside you acting like a scanner! I better end this here!



Liza

My Pain, My Gain

No pain, No gain. Very true.. very very true.

I once told my friends in the office that I have never been through an operation and I don't wanna! Never thought that I will someday what more such a major operation. I was in such terrible pain.. I actually wanted the operation to be done as quickly as possible so that I can get better before my kids or at least look 'better' for them. I m not complaining although I know I might not look as good as I was but the least is I don't look scary.(scar-y is ok I guess).

When I was in the Emergency Room @ Sungai Buloh, I heard my kids crying. I call up to them but because I was weak, I sounded like I was whispering. A few times the attendants came to me asking, "Kenapa kak?" (What is it, sis?) and I said I wanna see my kids. But they just said a simple 'no'. There is this Chinese Guy Dr. whom was suprised when I speak Cantonese to him. He was very nice and he kept explaining my condition and what are their plans for me. After the accident (abt 5.30) until midnight, I was not allowed to have a drink but finally, abt 12.30 the nurse came in with a BIG bottle of purple water (grape flavour ok?!) which she said to finish it up for the CT Scan.. She even said to me.. "Minum sikit2 la kalau pahit ye kak.. ni ubat untuk CT Scan" (Sip it slowly if taste bitter.. its for the CT Scan) to her suprise I drink the med so quickly she asked, "OK a? u drink up so quickly?". I stop sipping, looked at her and said "Dik, any drink of water no matter how it taste like, taste soooo nice to me now!" and the nurse laughed!

Anyway, after I was a bit ok, they finally allowed me to see my family. My brother came. I can see from his eyes that he was really shocked to see his sister like that! He assured me that everything will be fine. Confirmed that Sarah was in ICU.. the word ICU was like a bit BANG! to my head.. My brother like his usual self.. gave me this reminder that after that keeps me going.. "U must get well!, must be strong! don't ever give up!" and his final remark when I said thank you was "U spend me, spend me a". I finally realize the love he has for me.. I truly, truly touched.. For a few days after that he juggle work and visiting Sarah in the hospital. I know everyone missed Sarah at that time.. those who know Sarah, have seen her knows how adorable she is. Later, my mother came in holding Hannah, my mum looked worried and I told her that I feel ok adi.. not to worry ( who would believe that rite?!) Hannah was restless and don't wanna come near me.. I do look horrible at that time I guess.

I gain so much more... Before the accident, I have this friend in the office (u know who u r a, J) we are not enemy but we have bad experience together, we are not so close/jolly good friend but we often irritate each other. Once she even said that she will b the happiest person if I left the company. After I have settled down, one of the 1st person I think of was her! believe it or not.. she has more than 1/2 the criteria of the ppl I would avoid and at the most critical time in my life I was thinking about her simply because.. in my heart, in my mind I said "I still have a chance to hold her hand and ask for her forgiveness.. for what ever". By saying this, it doesn't mean that I don't think of my really good friend... Shanti, Lalitha, Laily (among the first person to get the news from me, crying from the moment she receive the sms until god knows when), Rudy, many more..I even thought about the translation work which I was suppose to do!

After what has happened to me, I realize that nothing in this world matters anymore! I am still alive and all those little things (no matter how bad the 'fight' is) doesn't matter at all to me.

Little did I realize (until much later) that I DO NOT have any enemy but I have so so many Friends.

I have a HUGE circle of FAMILY ties and people who are willing to do anything for me. Including, bathing me, nursing me, taking care of me and see me in my most embarrassing moment!

I have a wonderful Husband who is willing to take care of me in my most helpless condition.

I have a really strong mother (physically, she is really fit) to help me with the kids at home. Who always hide her sorrows from me and stay strong for me!

I have good, great, helpful, generous, wonderful bosses, Mr & Mrs Rajiv Vijayanathan and Ms. Rebecca Jeyanthi Selvaraj n her sister Deborah.

Last but not least, I have all the love in this world anyone could ask for.. and I only realize that I have that after going through this 'test' Allah has fated for me.

I can say that I accept this 'test' as a 'Blessing' in disguise. I know that this is a reminder for me that there are no greater power than Allah when at one point I truly believe only Allah could help Us now, hence I only ask for people who know us to Pray for our family.

As at last night, I went out for dinner with the kids and my mother. My first ever outing after almost 1 1/2 months indoor! It was a good one except of the 'look' on other people's faces seeing a lady in a wheel chair. Some even stop and walk back to see clearer what has happen to me.. see? see? I am still attractive (with the wheelchair la!) he he..

Those who came to visit me.. I bet u guys remember what I said. As long as my girls are all OK. I will be! and Alhamdulillah.. They are and I am.

I don't mind the pain.. but I am truly 'syukur' with my GAIN.

I better log out now.. Sarah is beside me asking 'How many more minutes?" she's waiting to use the pc!

Liza

Lucky, Happy, Blessed to be BACK

It been a while.. no.. its been so long... at least for me. I have not been very active. I'm back today and I am really lucky, happy and feel blessed to be able to write again.



Few months back, as early as February, we (myself and fendi) were planning on going to Lumut, Pangkor area for a holiday just like we did every year. But we keep holding it for various reasons. Our holiday have always been the East Coast so why not 'change wind' (tukar angin) and go somewhere else.



We ended up choosing 2nd week of the June school holiday for the Trip to Teluk Batik which is just abt 15 mins to Lumut. It was a fun holiday with the kids enjoying their time in the pool with us.



We shop.. we really did, as we plan to have Hannah's 1st Birthday party on the 19th.

But deep in my heart, in my mind, I can sense something is not right.. I keep having this little voice whispering negative thoughts that I constantly brush away without sharing it with my husband.



It was 2pm when we pull over at a chicken rice restaurant at Sri Manjung. We had lunch, the kids enjoyed it, and we 'tapau' a bit left over, just in case the kids hungry on the way.



You know, sometimes we never realize this..

We go for a holiday, expecting it to be the usual fun, happy occassion. We hold our children as usual, handle their tantrums as usual, sometimes with a laugh, sometimes screaming at them once or twice. All that without even having the slightest thought that we will miss that.



I just finished sms-ing a friend.. not so close but we're friends. I just finishes talking to my brother who called to update me that he had failed his driving test. I had just finished talking to my husband asking him when is the next stop we can pull over so that I can clean Hannah a bit.. She was being so restless, constipating and she just woke up from a nap when suddenly, the car was shaking with a loud sound and I can almost see another car coming but never expected it to be so bad until the car stop and the voices of my childres crying at the back of the car! the last thing I would want to happen in my life.. ACCIDENT.



I know that my femur is broken. Some kind samaritan, open the back door and took Yasmeen out. Fendi was still stuck in his seat, can't move, I have to do something quick before the car explode (I thought) So, I hold on to my leg, turn myself to the back (at this point I can feel like an ocean in my stomach) I picked up Hannah, only able to held her by her tiny leg and pass her on to the person waiting outside the car. Then I looked at Sarah.. quiet at first then started crying.. I remember shouting at the guy "tolong keluarkan anak2 saya dulu bang!" (plese take my children out first) coz I really have this thought that if the car explode I would rather it be me in the car than the kids! Everyone finally is out of the car except me.. then I hear someone said "Try to come out, we can't go in.. come on, u can do this! be strong.. your kids are all outside waiting for you!" for that, using my right leg I stand up and push myself out. Fendi was waiting at the door and I fell on him.. on a funny note (after the accident) I reminded Fendi of the pose we had on our wedding day.. the same pose only different scene.. he gave a sour smile..



I was so helpless.. I can only tell my girls that everything will be fine (which I m not sure at point of time) I wanted badly to hold them , to kiss them but I can't. I can wiggle my toe, to that I know I am not paralize but the pain was bad and with blood oozing from my forehead, at times I cannot see clearly.



The only thing I remember to do at that time was to say my prayers.. recite my 'syahada' all along the way.. alhamdulillah..



At that point on time I only want my children to be fine.. I only want to see them and to make sure that they are ok.. I only want them to know how much they mean to me!



Accident aftermath



After I settledown.. and after I know the status of my girls.. I keep praying for their safety and ask for nothing from friends and family other than their prayers that my children will be fine again.. I don't care much about myself.. I know I'll pull trough.. I just want to know that my girls are fine..safe, alive and kicking! (in that sense)

I was hospitalized in Ampang puteri for almost 17 days. Had my femur, pelvic and constructive surgery on the forehead, all done at ampang Puteri.. Many thanks to Dato' Dr. Syed Abdul Latif Alsagoff and Dato' Dr. Jalil Jidon.. 2 very good doctors and all the medical staff of APSH. There is 1 trainee in Sungai Buloh Hospital who was so kind.. I can't remember her name.. many of them who had been really kind but this girl is exceptional..

Though my girls are all ok now and are at home, I still feel the setback of the accident.

My youngest girl, 1yr was still breastfeeding before that and due to my injury I wasn't being able to bf her anymore and she stopped.. because of the trauma and the sudden separation, she don't seems to remember our time together (bf time) babies have a very short memory which can be good and bad at the same time. When we first met after the accident.. I had to establish trust and make her remember me.. It was really difficult for me.. I feel sad, unwanted, helpless, I feel terrible all at the same time. I want her to miss me like she usually do.. run to the door when I come home after work! I want her to want he to carry her..
That was what i meant above.. While in my everyday life, I enjoy holding her.. caressing her, kissing her tiny cheek, I never thought that one day I will have to beg her for the same. Sometimes(before the accident) when I am too tired and she wants attention, I just hope that she can sit quietly and let me rest.. but now.. I would rather she clings on me.. wanting for my attention and all.. Don't be silly liza.. she's your girl.. of course she will love you.. but sometimes when my hand were pushed aside when I offer to carry her.. It hurts.. it really does.. and I keep telling her "Hannah... mama sayang hannah tau.." (mama love you ok..) only to be pushed on the cheek sometimes..

Nevertheless, I am thankfull to Allah.. that I was given another chance to hold my kids and be with my life partner for a longer time..

I should let my back rest.. maybe later I will continue this little thought..and memory.. and hopes..

Liza

Its been a while.... ok! Ok! Its been too long and it appeared as if I’ve abandoned this blog but I didn’t mean to really....

 

Apa pula yang nak aku rakamkan hari ini? Tentang apa ya? Bila di imbas kembali, 17hb Jun nanti akan genaplah setahun umur Hannah Rumaysa, puteri kecilku. Sekali pandang wajahnya saling tak tumpah seperti Kakak Sulungnya semasa kecil. Semakin hari, Hannah semakin petah and she is soooo cute!

 

Jadual seharian aku semakin padat. Makin terasa sejak Yasmeen mula bersekolah. Kini di tahun 2. Aku tak rasa aku jenis yang ‘kiasu’ bila menyentuh soal prestasi anak. Aku berpendirian yang Yasmeen anak yang pintar dan aku tak mahu dia ketinggalan. Walaupun adakalanya aku terasa seperti aku terlalu menekan Yasmeen dalam soal pelajaran tapi jauh disudut hatiku (aku yakin semua ibubapa berperasaan yang serupa) aku hanya tidak mahu dia keciciran. Zaman sekarang terlalu mudah untuk bertemu guru yang hanya akan memberi perhatian kepada murid yang ‘nampak’ pintar. Kenapa aku gunakan istilah ‘nampak’. Pintar hari ini (lebih-lebih lagi sekolah rendah) tidak menjanjikan yang anak itu akan pintar selamanya. Permulaan yang baik punyai kebarangkalian untuk mencapai pengakhiran yang baik juga tetapi itu juga bukan sesuatu yang pasti. Adakalanya di pertengahan jalan pilihan dan dugaan mengubah segalanya.  Ok.. disini saja aku juga telah menyimpang. Sejak aku di bangku sekolah lagi, aku biasa melihat dikalangan guru sikap ‘pilih kasih’ dan ‘favouratism’ pada murid-murid yang pintar, yang ‘A-star’. Mereka diberi layanan yang lebih. Secara teorinya, jika guru punyai anak murid yang pintar, dengan sendirinya prestasi guru itu tampak baik.

 

Aku bukanlah dikalangan murid ‘A-star’. Aku rasa lebih dekat dihati jika ku ambil contoh sekolah menengah. Kelas aku kelas yang terkebelakang sedikit. Memang sangat terasa berbeza layanan guru-guru terhadap pelajar yang di kelas hadapan berbanding kami. Ada juga dikalangan mereka yang dikelas hadapan tetapi punyai masalah disiplin tetapi jarang dapat melihat guru-guru mendiskriminasi mereka. Pernah secara terang-terangan, kami dibeza-bezakan, pernah juga berlaku pada aku sendiri, pasukan kawad kaki yang telah aku bimbing di pilih ahli-ahlinya yang sudah berkebolehan dan digantikan kepada pasukan aku rakan-rakan bangsa cina yang tidak tahu langsung berkawad. Kelas kami pula waktu itu memang ramai pelajar-pelajar cina yang asal dari kelas peralihan. Ramai guru yang kurang berminat memberi perhatian lebih kepada kelas kami kerana kami dilabel pelajar ‘nakal’. Walau bukan semua.. ada juga yang nampak ‘innocent’. Aku masih ingat pada hari-hari terakhir persekolahan sebelum cuti akhir tahun dan seterusnya peperiksaan SPM, kami diberi peluang menghantar wakil untuk berucap bagi pihak kelas masing-masing. Walau bukan ketua kelas, aku diberi kepercayaan itu dan kesempatan itu aku gunakan untuk menyampaikan antara lain, mesej yang sama yang aku ingin coretkan disini. Aku membayangkan kepada semua bagaimana kami sering terasa terpinggir, sering dijadikan contoh kurang baik, jarang diberi pujian (walau dimana sepatutnya) and the due respect, hanya kerana kami bukan jenis ‘pendiam’ dan kelas kami yang terkebelakang yang tidak pernah menjadi harapan para guru untuk mendapat keputusan baik dalam SPM. Pada hari itu aku menegaskan yang cara kami yang agak ‘rebellious’ tidak bermakna kami tidak boleh berjaya. Seorang guru diharapakan agar dapat memberikan layanan dan didikan yang saksama kepada semua pelajarnya tanpa mengira latar belakang dan tahap pencapaian mereke apabila melakukan sebaliknya akan hanya menyebabkan pelajar itu lebih memberontak kerana rasa terpinggir. Tetapi semua itu tidak mematahkan semangat kami untuk terus berusaha untuk mencapai keputusan yang baik. So what if your exam results are not A’s? Does life ends there? Life has just begun for each and everyone of us, that point of time (SPM) is just another momentum, strong or weak to push u forward.

 

At the end of the day does success measures mainly from what position a person hold, or what car he droves, what type of house he lives in? Success in life is endless.. it can be anything under the sun.. it doesn’t have to be materialised. And people just sometimes don’t get that.

 

Menjadi pelajar yang bukan pelajar contoh disekolah tidak meletakkan aku kebawah berbanding mereka-mereka yang pernah ditatang. Aku gembira menjadi siapa aku hari ini dan aku berhutang budi kepada mereka yang pernah membantu meletakkan aku dimana aku berada sekarang. Aku tidak menafikan peranan dan jasa seorang guru tetapi adakalanya kita perlu melihat sesuatu dari sudut yang berbeza. Siapa aku hari ini sebahagian besarnya adalah hasil usaha aku sendiri, rezeki dari Allah dan berkat doa dan sokongan keluarga. Aku tidak berhutang kepada sekolah tetapi aku berhutang budi dengan guru-gurunya. Aku ingin memberikan kredit kepada para guru tadika dan sekolah rendah yang telah mengajar aku mengenal huruf dan angka. Aku tidak akan lupa jasa Cikgu Nadzaruddin yang tidak pernah jemu menghulurkan bantuan semasa aku memerlukan, Sentiasa bersedia memberikan nasihat dan melayan karenah aku. Dialah seorang guru yang tidak pernah walau sekali mendiskriminasi aku malah setiap yang aku lakukan mendapat bimbingan dari beliau. Dialah guru yang paling banyak jasanya kepada aku. Juga kepada Cikgu Samihah, guru matematik tingkatan 5 yang tidak pernah walau sekali berkata tidak walaupun aku meminta untuk diajar di kaki tangga pejabat sekolah. Berkat bantuannya aku lulus kertas matematik. Puan Norehan yang setiasa memberi nasihat yang walau pedas tetapi tetap tidak pernah menyakitkan hati. Cikgu Norhakimah yang sangat memandang tinggi padaku, En. Abdul Rahman Ibrahim, Arwah Cikgu Norazah, and the list goes on and on.

 

Is this a tribute for Teacher’s day? I guess so la.... Its not so much about Yasmeen after all isn’t it? Hahahahaha

 

Sebenarnya aku berharap anak-anakku tidak berdepan situasi yang pernah aku hadapi waktu sekolah dahulu. Tetapi jika adapun aku berharap agar aku masih ada untuk membimbing dan memperlihatkan jalan keluar kepada situasi itu kepada anak-anakku. Tetapi, andai kata aku tiada, Aku berserah, berdoa dan bertawakkal pada Allah s.w.t agar dia memberikan jalan keluar kepada masalah ini seperti yang pernah diberikan kepadaku dan di berikan kecerdikkan akal fikiran untuk berfikir dan bertindak lebih baik dari mama mereka.

 

Zaman sudah berubah.. mungkin apa yang menanti mereka akan lebih mencabar dan menyimpangkan belok perjalanan hidup mereka sampai tiba di mana mereka sepatutnya berada nanti.. Aku mendoakan yang baik-baik sahaja dan agar mereka dapat merungkai apa jua permasalahan dalam hidup mereka dengan cara yang diredhai Allah.. amin....

Memoirs - Year of the Tiger 2010

 

 

 

 

Its a long Chinese New Year Holiday for all of us. Having the chance to spend the entire 4 days off work at home with the kids, is really fun. Yasmeen has been counting days since day 1 as she was aware that she has 1 day leave extra than us the working adults. We went to Brother’s place and had dinner with Karen and Abie. Mum didn’t come coz she said her father was admitted which at the end she did’t go anywhere but stayed at home. Perhaps she just doesn’t feel like going. To me its always nice to catch up with my siblings and even aunts and uncles once in a while but sometime that doesn’t go down well with mum. Not sure why, sometimes she just appeared ‘different’ to me while other time she just wants to be alone (maybe).

Its not very easy to bring up kids and mould them to be what you want them to be. Is it really that? To mould the kids to be what you want them to be? Or it is better to  guide them through the years so that they become what they wanted to be but at the same time is correct in doing so? Give them the freedom to think and do what they should do but at the same time correct them and let them see the consequences or results of their decision? Hmmmm....

 

Often we gave the wrong idea, pass the wrong message to the kids without realizing it. I remember I once told yasmeen that she is a ‘Big girl’ and that she must tolerate Sarah. Let Sarah have her toy. Later, when she asked me about something else, something that to me is too early for her to understand and do I told her that “No, you are still small (young)” to which she responded to me saying that I had just told her that she’s a ‘Big’ girl already. Sometimes it is just wise to let ‘Kids be kids’ let them fight over a ball if need be, let them pull each other hair for a while until both can feel the pain, let them fall off the bike once or twice. How do they know that it is not a good thing to do? Will telling them not to do something is more effective than to let them see why they shouldn’t do it? I hope I can imply this better on my kids in future. Maybe that’ll work. Will update here if it really works. So far, its been really great nurturing girls. I could not imagine having to bring up boys as the saying “Women are from Venus, Mens are from Mars” or something like that just to show how different boys and girls are meant to be.

 

Where has this blog leading to? Ha ha! 1^st day of CNY, we went nowhere. Just had breakfast and then head home. Abang does his house cleaning and me ironing clothes and cooking lunch cum dinner for the famiy. 2^nd day of CNY, we went to Shah Alam Wet World (Yasmeen translated it to “Basah Dunia”) just be surprised with the loooooooooooooooong curving queue at the ticket counter. We then went to Sunway Lagoon, same long queue but with much much expensive ticket price. When we decided to leave Sunway Lagoon, the 2 girls were nothing but disappointed, sad, heart broken and etc. Yasmeen even mumbled “but Ayah had promised us..” while Sarah keeps repeating “but I wanna swim”. I wish I could just close 1 eye, bought the tix and brought them in but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. To this I have no one to blame but myself.. its just not me. Maybe in the future when money doesn’t mean anything to me but for now, 48+48+36+36=?? 168! Is a big chunk! That is excluding the food and drinks one had to purchase when in the Lagoon! After they both calm down, we finally reached Desa waterpark @ 11.30ish and let them play till almost 2.30.They were satisfied but could still not let go of the view they had on Sunway Lagoon. Yasmeen reminded me by saying “do you know that @ Sunway Lagoon  the fun never ends??!”  I am sorry to disappoint them but they just wouldn’t understand the value of money at this stage of age. I felt sorry looking at their teary eye but am relieved that they at least got to spend their time at Desa Waterpark rather than just pack and leave!

 

Chinese New Year reminds me of so many things. My grandparents, Ah Kong and Ah Ma. Both were very close to my heart. Very-very close. I can say that I love them almost as much as I love my own parents. Always we tend to realize that we love and care for them when they have gone. Loved ones were mostly appreciated when they are no longer with us. Shouldn’t we be showing love and affection, humbly tell them that we love them, couldn’t live a day without them while they are still around to hear it and feel it?? I can clearly remember those days Ah Ma took care of me, tied my hair, cooked me meals, bought me new dress for CNY, hold my hands while crossing the road to Sentul Pasar! I also remember the way she pound the fish paste for Yong Tau Foo, how she showed me to clean the squid and the many steps of cleaning real live shark’s fin for shark’s fin soup. I remember Ah Kongs fish smell every time he came back from Sentul Pasar, his white silver hair combed aside neatly before he walked all the way to ‘Chowkelot’ (Chow Kit Road), the look in his face when he uttered “Lisa, Ah Kong is dying already” to which I broke down in tears! All those memoirs that a grandchild suppose to have went through with their grandparents. I can say that they are the ones who picked us up when we’re down and that I regretted I do not have the chance to repay them a favour. May they rest in peace....

 

 

 

 

 

Liza Masrina Ibrahim

I Don't Wanna Do This Anymore!

 

I know I worked hard for my studies because I know I am not a brilliant, straight A student. I also clearly recalled targeting to get myself into a university or at least UITM (then was ITM) coz I heard its easier to get a place in UITM compared to University. I worked hard! I practically pushed aside all the friends who were busy working for extra money and concentrate on my studies. Juggling studies and attending to my 3 younger brothers, often I have limited time for myself and everywhere I go. I’ll tag my younger ones along.

 

I got 1^st grade for my SPM result and yet I remember feeling so frustrated. My application for a place in a University was never successful. Same goes for my UITM applications. I don’t know why must I remind myself of all this again and again? Will it increase my motivation or will it make me feel the anger and frustration all over again.  I got a few offers from Lim Kwok Wing Institute (now a University), Kolej Lagenda in Langkawi but when I told my mum about the offer, she will without even looking at the offer letter told me “I don’t have the money. What if you cannot finish your studies? What if you then decided to quit?” all question which leads to a simple ‘NO’.

 

Then I thought.. Oh! Ya, I still have some money left in the savings account. I remember spending almost 4k for a Certificate in Information and System Management which had no added value to any of my job application except that I am not ‘IT blind’. One must be wondering, why Liza, did you take up this not recognized certificate from this ‘never heard of before’ collage? Dear readers, it was at that time the cheapest course I know and I have nobody to turn to for some advice in education and career. I am interested in broadcasting but that course alone cost almost 25K! Where to get that kind of money? Who would want to secure a study loan for me? And yes, I was stupid enough to believe the counsellor that the IT course will bring me somewhere and that I can be a computer application programmer!

 

After that it was nothing but a sequence of job hunting – changing –hunting – changing stories for me until I end up to be where I am now. Oh ya! I forgot to mention that I also took a Certificate in Computer Graphics Design from Cosmopoint College.

 

Each time I travel pass UM, UITM or the like I looked at the campus with much hope that one day I will have the chance to set foot into this university.

 

I dedicate most of my time for my brothers. Attending to their needs, listening to their problems, ease their heartache and sometimes ease my own heartache from their attitude, giving them motivation, planning what seems to be impossible for their future. At that time everything seems to be so difficult. And each time they screw up, I will be the one picking them up and get them moving again. Giving them endless chances and being let down over and over again. Finally both of them finish their SPM, got a certificate and started working. They did not excel any better than I am but at least they can now live on their own. I can proudly say that they may no longer need me around anymore. I finally be able to breathe my own fresh air.

 

So what is the purpose of this posting?

 

I want to clear my mind.. I feel so disturbed.. 10 years ago when my 2 brothers were younger, I face great challenge to help them. Many of a time I will have to appear before their teacher/principle because they were absent from school. Mum was working hard and hardly would want to go to their school. I don’t remember mum ever went to their school to pick up their report cards. It was very tiring, most challenging years in my life as I was alone fighting the battle. I remember once I packed my clothes and left the house as I couldn’t take it anymore. I was lucky I met my school teacher who then asked me to return home. I went out to look for Izuan who sometimes didn’t come home for a few days and no one bother to look for him! Went up and down the court for him, pushing him off the limit, brain-wash him, encouraging him, giving him support morally and monetary, everything he needs to move forward when everyone just ignored him! I scolded Abi when I found out about the numerous warning letters he hid from mum, registered him for a private school, encourage him though he seldom creates a scene.

 

Today, history seems to be repeating itself only different cast, different story board. Iqbal, a boy with the most out of life, has nothing to worry, has his school fees settled on first day of school without even have to be called by the teacher to ask about outstanding fees, were given all the resources and luxury a normal boy can ask for (just normal boy ya, not the super rich ones), who even has his own handphone at the age of 13, who was well educated both ‘duniawi’ (life) and ‘ukhrawi’ (life after death) today behaves worst than the 2 elder brothers of him! At the first 2 years of his incredible attitude drama, I was worried, like his elder ones before him, I would want him to have the equal chances of changing his persona so that he can be better but unfortunately he just don’t realize how lucky he was!!

 

All I can say is that he is a spoilt brat! He was given all that was not given to his 2 brothers before him, He was treated much2 better than his 2 brothers before him, He has all the resources and money much2 better than his 2 brothers before him, He was loved even spoilt better than his 2 brothers before him. I must say that I am finally giving up on someone in my family.. and I don’t think I would want to do anything on or for him as I think he was given MORE than just chances. He is SPOILT and he doesn’t need me to spoilt him any further. I have done everything for him and he has never ONCE made me feel I was given the due respect as his sister. I can consciously say that he has betrayed my trust and hopes too many times. Now is the time that he fight his own battle, alone.. Maybe mum will attend to him, but not me. I think he is better to be on his own. If he wants to change he will with or without me. I don’t think I wanted to go through this again as I have before.

 

He was lucky he is the youngest, had he is at Izuan’s place, or even worst my place, he would have been banished from home by now!

 

It is only fair to say that after so many years attending to brothers’ problem, it is now time for me to attend to my own life, own family and own achievement.. do you agree with me people?! (ada ke people baca this blog! Haha!) I think I’ve spend enough time of my life worrying about my brothers and it is now time for me to do what I wanted to do but was denied the opportunity to do so before! I wanna set foot in a Uni!

 

With help and support from my dear Husband and family, insya-allah I hope I will get there soon......

 

 

Harimau mati meninggalkan belang..

 

Semalam aku bermimpi.. terlalu rindukan zaman sekolah barangkali, aku bermimpi suasana dia sekolah menengah dan guru yang paling banyak membantu, memberikan sokongan dan galakan dan juga yang paling akrab dengan  pelajar2 SMBBS. Cikgu Nadzaruddin.. nama itu sangat sinonim dengan allayarhamah Sarina Shahbuddin (al-fatihah untuknya). Seorang srikandi di mataku.. Beliau banyak member inspirasi padaku. Disaat-saat aku kehilangan semangat dia hadir untuk mengubah segalanya. Disaat aku kehilangan arah, dia yang menunjukkan jalan yang seeloknya.

 

Aku sangat rindukan senyuman kakak itu.. sangat menenangkan...sangat tenang. Ibu kepada 3 orang anak yang ketika itu masih kecil semasa dia menghembuskan nafasnya yang terakhir. Anaknya yang bongsu baru saja meninjak usia setahun. Pilu melihat anak itu lebih pilu dari kehilangan seorang saudara yang banyak jasanya.

 

Segala keakraban itu sedikit pudar setelah aku tamat persekolahan. Namun mereka (Cikgu Nadzaruddin & Arwah Kak Sarina) tetap melapangkan masa untuk hadir ke Majlis Persandingan aku dengan suamiku. Kemudian anak sulung mereka kebetulannya sama tadika dengan adikku.. dapat juga aku sesekali berjumpa dengan arwah. Sehinggalah setahun selepas itu, mereka berpindah ke Quaters Guru di Cheras, kali sudah tidak berjumpa.

 

Takdir menemukan aku dengan Arwah semasa kami sedang ‘window shopping’ di Jusco Wangsa Maju. Memang aku tahu arwah rajin kesana tetapi tidak pernah lagi kami terserempak. Sempat juga kami berpelukan mesra sambil bertukar-tukar nombor telefon. Itulah pelukan yang terakhir ku terima dari Arwah. Selepas pertemuan itu kami hanya sempat berbual pendek melalui telefon dan tidak berkesempatan bertemu lagi walaupun pertemuan terakhir..

 

Ketika aku mendapat berita pemergian Arwah, aku masih kurang percaya.. sekalipun suara sebak Cikgu Nadza sebagai satu kepastian.. sehinggalah aku melihat sekujur tubuhnya yang kaku.. bibir yang dulu merah dan mesra dengan senyuman itu.. dingin dan kebiruan..

 

Bersemadilah dengan aman kakakku.. Insya-allah.. kau ditempatkan bersama para syuhadah.. amin...

 

Al-Fatihah untuk Allayarhamah Sarina Shahbuddin..