I know I worked hard for my studies because I know I am not a brilliant, straight A student. I also clearly recalled targeting to get myself into a university or at least UITM (then was ITM) coz I heard its easier to get a place in UITM compared to University. I worked hard! I practically pushed aside all the friends who were busy working for extra money and concentrate on my studies. Juggling studies and attending to my 3 younger brothers, often I have limited time for myself and everywhere I go. I’ll tag my younger ones along.
I got 1st grade for my SPM result and yet I remember feeling so frustrated. My application for a place in a University was never successful. Same goes for my UITM applications. I don’t know why must I remind myself of all this again and again? Will it increase my motivation or will it make me feel the anger and frustration all over again. I got a few offers from Lim Kwok Wing Institute (now a University), Kolej Lagenda in Langkawi but when I told my mum about the offer, she will without even looking at the offer letter told me “I don’t have the money. What if you cannot finish your studies? What if you then decided to quit?” all question which leads to a simple ‘NO’.
Then I thought.. Oh! Ya, I still have some money left in the savings account. I remember spending almost 4k for a Certificate in Information and System Management which had no added value to any of my job application except that I am not ‘IT blind’. One must be wondering, why Liza, did you take up this not recognized certificate from this ‘never heard of before’ collage? Dear readers, it was at that time the cheapest course I know and I have nobody to turn to for some advice in education and career. I am interested in broadcasting but that course alone cost almost 25K! Where to get that kind of money? Who would want to secure a study loan for me? And yes, I was stupid enough to believe the counsellor that the IT course will bring me somewhere and that I can be a computer application programmer!
After that it was nothing but a sequence of job hunting – changing –hunting – changing stories for me until I end up to be where I am now. Oh ya! I forgot to mention that I also took a Certificate in Computer Graphics Design from Cosmopoint College.
Each time I travel pass UM, UITM or the like I looked at the campus with much hope that one day I will have the chance to set foot into this university.
I dedicate most of my time for my brothers. Attending to their needs, listening to their problems, ease their heartache and sometimes ease my own heartache from their attitude, giving them motivation, planning what seems to be impossible for their future. At that time everything seems to be so difficult. And each time they screw up, I will be the one picking them up and get them moving again. Giving them endless chances and being let down over and over again. Finally both of them finish their SPM, got a certificate and started working. They did not excel any better than I am but at least they can now live on their own. I can proudly say that they may no longer need me around anymore. I finally be able to breathe my own fresh air.
So what is the purpose of this posting?
I want to clear my mind.. I feel so disturbed.. 10 years ago when my 2 brothers were younger, I face great challenge to help them. Many of a time I will have to appear before their teacher/principle because they were absent from school. Mum was working hard and hardly would want to go to their school. I don’t remember mum ever went to their school to pick up their report cards. It was very tiring, most challenging years in my life as I was alone fighting the battle. I remember once I packed my clothes and left the house as I couldn’t take it anymore. I was lucky I met my school teacher who then asked me to return home. I went out to look for Izuan who sometimes didn’t come home for a few days and no one bother to look for him! Went up and down the court for him, pushing him off the limit, brain-wash him, encouraging him, giving him support morally and monetary, everything he needs to move forward when everyone just ignored him! I scolded Abi when I found out about the numerous warning letters he hid from mum, registered him for a private school, encourage him though he seldom creates a scene.
Today, history seems to be repeating itself only different cast, different story board. Iqbal, a boy with the most out of life, has nothing to worry, has his school fees settled on first day of school without even have to be called by the teacher to ask about outstanding fees, were given all the resources and luxury a normal boy can ask for (just normal boy ya, not the super rich ones), who even has his own handphone at the age of 13, who was well educated both ‘duniawi’ (life) and ‘ukhrawi’ (life after death) today behaves worst than the 2 elder brothers of him! At the first 2 years of his incredible attitude drama, I was worried, like his elder ones before him, I would want him to have the equal chances of changing his persona so that he can be better but unfortunately he just don’t realize how lucky he was!!
All I can say is that he is a spoilt brat! He was given all that was not given to his 2 brothers before him, He was treated much2 better than his 2 brothers before him, He has all the resources and money much2 better than his 2 brothers before him, He was loved even spoilt better than his 2 brothers before him. I must say that I am finally giving up on someone in my family.. and I don’t think I would want to do anything on or for him as I think he was given MORE than just chances. He is SPOILT and he doesn’t need me to spoilt him any further. I have done everything for him and he has never ONCE made me feel I was given the due respect as his sister. I can consciously say that he has betrayed my trust and hopes too many times. Now is the time that he fight his own battle, alone.. Maybe mum will attend to him, but not me. I think he is better to be on his own. If he wants to change he will with or without me. I don’t think I wanted to go through this again as I have before.
He was lucky he is the youngest, had he is at Izuan’s place, or even worst my place, he would have been banished from home by now!
It is only fair to say that after so many years attending to brothers’ problem, it is now time for me to attend to my own life, own family and own achievement.. do you agree with me people?! (ada ke people baca this blog! Haha!) I think I’ve spend enough time of my life worrying about my brothers and it is now time for me to do what I wanted to do but was denied the opportunity to do so before! I wanna set foot in a Uni!
With help and support from my dear Husband and family, insya-allah I hope I will get there soon......
No comments:
Post a Comment