I always wanted my girls to be close to me. I enjoy being around them. I wanted to be the first person to see everything, know everything. I remember the first week Yasmeen went to school (primary 1) I cried almost everyday seeing her going on to her school transportation as early as 6.30am. I also remember screaming to her in the washroom of a shopping mall when she 'pooh' in her underpants! I was so so angry.. and I was heavily pregnant with Hannah at that time. I am loving but I am strict at the same time. I can easily turn down on their request and most of the time when I am agry they are really terrified. Fendi on the other side is more of a 'kind' daddy.. but beware.. don't push your luck but he hardly turn them down despite his anger most of the time the kids know they will get what they want even if papa is not happy.
You know, when you have more tham 1, they will do so many things to get your attention. Yasmeen knows that I will always want to know what she do at school. Sarah realize that I will spend much of my time sitting with Yasmeen going through her homework so she will usually do things to catch my attention. But, she is very considerate. Yasmeen is the centre of attention bcoz of her school etc and Hannah is also centre of attention coz she is still the baby.. Sarah, will most of the time be waiting till bed time and Hannah to doze off so that I can cuddle her and try pushing her down from the bed (which is impossible as she can freeze herself and be so stiff to be at the edge of the bed like a fence!) We (sarah n me) will know our trademark "Heart feel super happy" She will make a heart shape from both thumb and index finger. It was that word that trigger her smile when she was in ICU. I remember singing to her on my handphone try to sound as nice as I can and holding back tears.
"Stay with me and we can dream forever, right here in my arm tonight.." that was her favourite song from Barbie as the Island Princess.
Yasmeen, being the eldest, its always very easy to say things to her. She is very understanding (at the most critical time, please exclude the time when she wants something really bad). With her blue-black, swollen eye, I called her my blue-berry! she insist to come to visit me in the ward when I was in Sungai Buloh but instantly cried and cried when she sees me. Poor girl! I only said to her "Please be strong for me, Sarah n Hannah. Bcoz u r the eldest, and I am hoping for you to take care of your sisters." She only nod her head and tears still rolling down her cheek.. But soon settle down.
Hannah.... (i have to take a deep breath now..) She is... well, I can say that she is more 'ok' with me now. Though I can say that I expected more. I wanted the usual clinging Hannah, the one who will be so joyous the moment she sees me. Who have her hands reaching out to me when I step into my house. We were separated so quickly and drastically, all the things that we used to do together looks kinda strange to her.
Fendi always tell me to be patient.. soon she will be close to me.. especially when I am well enough to handle her myself.. Sometimes when I reach out my hands for her she just turn her back.. feels weird to me.. and often makes me feel sad and sadder every day.. But I have created a 'bin' and its call a 'go away bin'. I will put away all the negative feelings in the bin and clear it every day.. Every day is a fresh new day.. and to get well means, physically ans mentally so.. Clear my mind is very important.
I love my girls more than anything in this world and I know every parents feel the same! Yasmeen is sitting beside me reading through all I have typed so far and hugging me when we reach here. Feels so weird having someone sitting beside you acting like a scanner! I better end this here!
Liza
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