Lucky, Happy, Blessed to be BACK

It been a while.. no.. its been so long... at least for me. I have not been very active. I'm back today and I am really lucky, happy and feel blessed to be able to write again.



Few months back, as early as February, we (myself and fendi) were planning on going to Lumut, Pangkor area for a holiday just like we did every year. But we keep holding it for various reasons. Our holiday have always been the East Coast so why not 'change wind' (tukar angin) and go somewhere else.



We ended up choosing 2nd week of the June school holiday for the Trip to Teluk Batik which is just abt 15 mins to Lumut. It was a fun holiday with the kids enjoying their time in the pool with us.



We shop.. we really did, as we plan to have Hannah's 1st Birthday party on the 19th.

But deep in my heart, in my mind, I can sense something is not right.. I keep having this little voice whispering negative thoughts that I constantly brush away without sharing it with my husband.



It was 2pm when we pull over at a chicken rice restaurant at Sri Manjung. We had lunch, the kids enjoyed it, and we 'tapau' a bit left over, just in case the kids hungry on the way.



You know, sometimes we never realize this..

We go for a holiday, expecting it to be the usual fun, happy occassion. We hold our children as usual, handle their tantrums as usual, sometimes with a laugh, sometimes screaming at them once or twice. All that without even having the slightest thought that we will miss that.



I just finished sms-ing a friend.. not so close but we're friends. I just finishes talking to my brother who called to update me that he had failed his driving test. I had just finished talking to my husband asking him when is the next stop we can pull over so that I can clean Hannah a bit.. She was being so restless, constipating and she just woke up from a nap when suddenly, the car was shaking with a loud sound and I can almost see another car coming but never expected it to be so bad until the car stop and the voices of my childres crying at the back of the car! the last thing I would want to happen in my life.. ACCIDENT.



I know that my femur is broken. Some kind samaritan, open the back door and took Yasmeen out. Fendi was still stuck in his seat, can't move, I have to do something quick before the car explode (I thought) So, I hold on to my leg, turn myself to the back (at this point I can feel like an ocean in my stomach) I picked up Hannah, only able to held her by her tiny leg and pass her on to the person waiting outside the car. Then I looked at Sarah.. quiet at first then started crying.. I remember shouting at the guy "tolong keluarkan anak2 saya dulu bang!" (plese take my children out first) coz I really have this thought that if the car explode I would rather it be me in the car than the kids! Everyone finally is out of the car except me.. then I hear someone said "Try to come out, we can't go in.. come on, u can do this! be strong.. your kids are all outside waiting for you!" for that, using my right leg I stand up and push myself out. Fendi was waiting at the door and I fell on him.. on a funny note (after the accident) I reminded Fendi of the pose we had on our wedding day.. the same pose only different scene.. he gave a sour smile..



I was so helpless.. I can only tell my girls that everything will be fine (which I m not sure at point of time) I wanted badly to hold them , to kiss them but I can't. I can wiggle my toe, to that I know I am not paralize but the pain was bad and with blood oozing from my forehead, at times I cannot see clearly.



The only thing I remember to do at that time was to say my prayers.. recite my 'syahada' all along the way.. alhamdulillah..



At that point on time I only want my children to be fine.. I only want to see them and to make sure that they are ok.. I only want them to know how much they mean to me!



Accident aftermath



After I settledown.. and after I know the status of my girls.. I keep praying for their safety and ask for nothing from friends and family other than their prayers that my children will be fine again.. I don't care much about myself.. I know I'll pull trough.. I just want to know that my girls are fine..safe, alive and kicking! (in that sense)

I was hospitalized in Ampang puteri for almost 17 days. Had my femur, pelvic and constructive surgery on the forehead, all done at ampang Puteri.. Many thanks to Dato' Dr. Syed Abdul Latif Alsagoff and Dato' Dr. Jalil Jidon.. 2 very good doctors and all the medical staff of APSH. There is 1 trainee in Sungai Buloh Hospital who was so kind.. I can't remember her name.. many of them who had been really kind but this girl is exceptional..

Though my girls are all ok now and are at home, I still feel the setback of the accident.

My youngest girl, 1yr was still breastfeeding before that and due to my injury I wasn't being able to bf her anymore and she stopped.. because of the trauma and the sudden separation, she don't seems to remember our time together (bf time) babies have a very short memory which can be good and bad at the same time. When we first met after the accident.. I had to establish trust and make her remember me.. It was really difficult for me.. I feel sad, unwanted, helpless, I feel terrible all at the same time. I want her to miss me like she usually do.. run to the door when I come home after work! I want her to want he to carry her..
That was what i meant above.. While in my everyday life, I enjoy holding her.. caressing her, kissing her tiny cheek, I never thought that one day I will have to beg her for the same. Sometimes(before the accident) when I am too tired and she wants attention, I just hope that she can sit quietly and let me rest.. but now.. I would rather she clings on me.. wanting for my attention and all.. Don't be silly liza.. she's your girl.. of course she will love you.. but sometimes when my hand were pushed aside when I offer to carry her.. It hurts.. it really does.. and I keep telling her "Hannah... mama sayang hannah tau.." (mama love you ok..) only to be pushed on the cheek sometimes..

Nevertheless, I am thankfull to Allah.. that I was given another chance to hold my kids and be with my life partner for a longer time..

I should let my back rest.. maybe later I will continue this little thought..and memory.. and hopes..

Liza