Mothers Day - Old People - Nursing Home (Part 1)

Mothers’ Day has always been in my calendar of event ever since I could remember the date and it was especially important after I became a mother. But I rarely celebrate it seriously with a cake and fancy things for both my mother and mum-in-law.

Year 2011, as mothers day coincide with the week I am going back to my hometown, I suggested to Fendi that we buy a cake on our way home to his village and celebrate mothers’ day with Mak and Nenek. He looked somehow excited. This is the first time we really buy a cake and celebrate it for some occasion in relation to them (Mak n Nenek and not the usually grandchild’s birthday). I let him choose the cake. He carried the cake into the house with a wide smile. Mak and Nenek asked what was that in the big box? A red big box with ‘Secret Recipe’ written outside the box means nothing to them. Fendi said its a cake to celebrate ‘Hari Ibu’ for them as well as for me. Of course the kids get all excited about cake cutting! Just to share it here some of the pictures taken on that day.

Mak and Nenek is just a normal, ordinary, illiterate, kampung ladies. Their lives has been dedicated to raising their children (Nenek has 4 sons and 1 daughter-Mak whilst Mak has ONLY 2 sons). Being ‘orang nogori’ (people from Negri Sembilan) their ‘sense of belonging’ (i hope i describe it right) is very strong. I remember the first day of our wedding day, after our reception, all of them were sent home by Fendi’s friend. Knowing them, Fendi gave them a call that evening just to ensure they arrive safely. The next few days was our early days as husband and wife but a call from Mak and Nenek ruins everything. They were upset because Fendi did not call the next day and the day after. They said he must’ve forgotten all about them now that he got a wife! Not to mention other various issues they highlighted during my reception. Fendi had a tough time explaining and trying to calm them down.

It was then that I realize the truth behind what a very close ‘Kakak’ to me once said. ‘Always make your in-laws feel that they did NOT lose a son instead GAIN a Daughter’. Though that was my goal, I cannot avoid feeling frustrated, upset, angry and the list continues whenever things goes wrong especially when I have done my level best. But holding on to the statement above, I always leave to house (to come home to KL) with a feeling this statement = LETS PUT EVERYTHING BEHIND. Reason? Simple.. Nenek, she is just too old to even change the way she think, the way she do things, her perception, her style of anger basically everything.. ignore her as much as possible. Having said that, it does not mean that I hate her. I respect and love her as a grandmother and I still treasure those sweet memories we had. Old people have 1 thing in common. They don’t jump up for nothing. They are like a can of Coca-Cola.. Its only if you ‘shake’ them that they explode and splash onto your face!

I must say and admit that it is not always easy to please old people. Shantee said one day that no matter how good your relationship is with your mother in law, you can never stay together. True enough.. its already difficult enough to stay with a different person (spouse) when we first get married let alone to stay with the person who ‘created’ it! But I am satisfied that We (Fendi and I) am able to tend to her basic needs, treat her when she is ill and make things easy for her every month. If you ask me what are the ‘divine intervention’ that saved us all when the accident happened last year it was nothing but the all the good things that we have done for our folks and the fact that they still need us around!

A few hours after we cut the Mothers’ Day cake with Nenek, I was with Mak in the kitchen. She was telling me about one of Fendi’s uncle who plan to build a house after his retirement next to this house Mak is staying with Nenek now. I was jokingly telling her like ya la.. like thats gonna happen.. what if it became abandon project like the cow’s barn he was planning to build. Mak, calmly said.. ‘then its ok.. I have my plans.. I wanna go to a nursing home.. its sure nice staying there’ I was like ‘WHAT??!’ inside.. I was taken aback I feel she is saying like Fendi n I cannot take care of her. I then said ‘how do you know its nice.. u haven’t been to 1’.. and Mak, still in her very low voice said ‘I know la.. I’ve stayed in the hospital before.. nice having people around me to chat’. I then realize that I should just shut-up. I don’t wanna upset her.

I kept it to myself but keep on thinking what is going on in Mak’s mind when she said that. I took me quite sometime to realize that maybe Mak just doesn’t to trouble her son. She knows that she has only 2 sons and being a woman she will need a women to care for her. Also, having the experience tending to Nenek who sometimes can be a very grumpy old lady, fussy n what not, she knows and she understand the pain and the challenges way too much to put it to another person who is most likely to be her daughter-in-law. Most importantly, she doesn’t want to be the reason for whatever misunderstanding and eventually shaken the stability of the household and also to void having heart feeling towards her son I guess..

2 days after that, back in KL, we were in the car when I brought up this matter and talk discuss it with Fendi. When I said we will never know for sure what is in Mak’s mind and heart, what is she thinking and what is she feeling.. Mak can be very secretive at times especially when it involves feelings. Fendi said, if Nenek is no longer here, he will honour whatever Mak’s request even if it means sending her to a nursing home if that is what she wanted. He keeps on emphasising on ‘If that is what Mak wants’ but of course we shall come to decide about it when it really happens. He said, sending a mother to a nursing home if so requested by the mother does not mean that the child disown the mother but to honour a mother’s request. Some old folks wants to have friends. If at all Nenek is no longer around that leaves Mak alone in a big house with no one to chat with. She has spend so many years of her life tending to Nenek’s needs and she might just want companion.. not a husband but just friends. A child whose parents opted for Nursing Home should ensure they send their parents to a place with proper care, a paid one, with nurses and attendants to help them if needed. Visit them regularly and once in a while bring them to stay over at their home especially during festive season. What is the point of keeping your folks at home with you but leave them all alone when you’re at work? Which makes sense to me. Certainly this is not something that we already plan ya.. its just contemplating.. I don’t wanna end up having people saying ‘Liza is sending her parents and in laws to rumah orang tua2!’ tsk tsk tsk! So derhaka!

To Be Continued....