Its never easy to be a 'Hero'

I receive a call from a friend today. She just got to know about the accident and call to ask how's everything? As I answered her that we are all thankfully getting better each day the faces of my friend Faszilah Latif and her kids keep coming into my mind. She just lost her husband in a car accident few days ago. I could not imagine if it happened to me. Although the day will finally come when one of us would leave first and the other later (as it usually happen) I do pray that when that day finally comes, I would at least know who my kids were married to and that they are all grown up and no longer needs me. Not everyone could have the privilege to have a long life but I do hope I will be in the list.

I never regretted to have to face all that has happened. I only never imagined it could happen to me. That being said, I can never know how exactly my friend feel right now. To be talking to someone who used to sleep next to her that very morning and to be told that he is no longer alive that very night. I cried when I receive the text message from Gee, another friend of ours. It reminds me of how each and every moments with the family is the most precious ones.

Being in the hospital bed, unable to move, I once thought that if this is going to be the rest of my life, I would rather die than being a burden to the family.. That will be the usual thought in a person's mind when he/she is handicapped. But, for the people who loved them.. they only wanted to be able to see your smile, hear your voice, to be able to touch you and then nothing else matters. It doesn't even matter to them if they need to bathe you, feed you even do everything for you. I am blessed to be given the second chance. I once thought that I can go through this, I will be able to pull myself together simply because I am again blessed to be given the 2nd chance to keep my husband and 3 girls with me and not taken away.. And I can say it is not easy and will never be easy for someone who lost their other half to pull herself together for the sake of their child.

Being alone is never easy.. But the actual fact is.. she will never be.. May Allah be her guide, help her, give her strength, give her the patience, make everything else easy for her and her 2 girls. My dear friend Fadszillah.. I can never know how you feel.. but if there is anything, anything at all that I can do to help, please let me know..

before I pen off, here's Mariah Carey's "Hero". Look at the lyrics.. and u will understand

Theres a Hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid of what you are

Theres an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a HERO comes along
With a strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a HERO lies in you

Its a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourslef
And the emptyness you felt will dissappear

God knows Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on There will be tomorrow
In time you'll find the way

Taylor Swift-Today Was A Fairytale (song with lyrics)

Pictures of Life

I saw everyone uploading their Hari Raya pictures on their Facebook.. I wish I have 1.. usually the snapping family pictures on Hari Raya only happens smoothly @ Fendi's hometown in Melaka.. why? I don't really know why but maybe because it was never our tradition.. I really wish we would have a proper family pictures taken. I remember 1 was taken on my wedding day which is not really what I have in mind though.. I really want the whole family to gather and have it photographed.

Apart from Hari raya pictures, I rarely have my picture taken.. even before the accident and lost my smooth forehead.. came to think about it I should have taken more photos before la.. so girls, snap those pixies more often ya!

Last Saturday, apart from being reunited with my long lost friend, I also attended a wedding reception of one of my bff cum school friends. My habit of not sticking to 1 friends had me many many friends and family friends. I remember spending my after school hours at least 3-4 hours a day (maybe more than that) at my friends's place. Zuraya Basitar, Sharifah Farrah Yazlina, Zuraidah Zulkifli, Rafidah Abdul Kadir was among those who had me at their place.. sometimes having afternoon nap and lunch before heading home late in the evening.. Keluarga tumpang.. hahaha

This friend of mine, married to a 'racsal' when she was about 16 years old, had her son when she was suppose to be concentrating for her SPM. The only 1 reason that kept her going was FAMILY.. Her parents and her sibling have been giving great support. They really love her for who she was and never catch her by the throat for what has happened. But this rascal I was talking about, happily walked out on his wife and son, barely even see his own son. My friend took a courage move to file for a divorce! also with the support of her family.

Time flies.. most of us got married and have their own family.. but she remained alone.. a single parent.. I must say that she is very lucky to have such parents, siblings.. and she is one strong lady to go through so many things alone.. sometimes her son looked more like her brother.. My youngest brother and her son same age okay!! hahaha

She finally found her other half.. they got married last Saturday... I am very very happy for her and I am sure after all that she had gone through, this man is the one for her that will give her the happiness she has been waiting for.. she deserve it..

When you looked at the newspaper today.. about the abandoning of babies everywhere.. I think, family and the mother is always the key.. Mothers must not loose their senses.. I have seen a few of my friends who had child out of wedlock but was never part of the statistic of 'abandoning' their babies have mothers who are very supportive and never blame them or hate them for the mistakes that they've made. My highest level of respect to these ladies.

To my BFF, you know who you are, I wish and pray only for the best for you and your family.. Moga Allah menghadiahkan kehidupan yang gembira untuk kau dan keluarga kau, di dunia dan akhirat.. insya-allah...

Reunited.. in Joy and Sorrow.

Hari Raya is a day we all celebrate and spend most of our time going around visiting family, friends, attending to open houses as well as weddings. My 2nd weekend of hari raya this year was a special one. I was reunited with a long lost friend.

This goes back to about 4 years ago.. we just do not know what went wrong, suddenly a very good friend distance herself. I shall call it a mere misunderstanding.. but we kept away from each other more than 4 years, we don't even call each other on special days like Hari Raya or birthdays and sorry to say I even forgotten when is her birthday actually.

She also came from a broken family. Her parents divorced and both remarried living her choosing about who to live with since she was only 15 (or maybe younger). I don't have many good friend during school days as I usually go around mingling with different crowd every day but, she is very close to me.. I remember I cried terribly on her last day before she moved to another school in Selayang. I remember she came to visit me after about 1 year and she came during school hours so she could catch up with me. I also remember those days when she used to stay at my place, working in the 7-11 store just a few blocks from my mother's house.

I remember going to her mother's house in Puchong and came home pass midnight on the night before her wedding day. Me and another friend, did her makeup and hairdo for her and her sisters. I could still remember the smile on her husband's face the the word "Terima Kasih ye.. makeup-kan isteri aku... lawa dia hari ni" and he looked really proud and happy.. That day I was happy that my good friend found her other half..

I also remember on my wedding day, she came all the way from puchong on a motorbike, heavily pregnant with her 1st baby. She came.. just to celebrate my 'BIG' day and the next day, she gave birth to her baby boy.. after a month I gave birth to Yasmeen, she gave birth to her 2nd child.. a girl. She is one of those few people who have a twin born on a different date.

Yesterday's reunion was both a sad and happy one for us.. Sad because we were separated for so long, keeping silent and shutting out each other and Happy to now close all the old stories, still able to see each other and gave each other a BIG HUG of 'I miss u so much my friend'.. we were both in tears.. Tears of Joy and Sorrow..

I wish that our friendship will last forever and we could now tell our children the memories we had as good friends, sisters, companion and family..

Looking at how her family had grown, and the quietly smiling husband of hers holding their 1 year old son.. I am happy that she is happy...and hoping only for the best for her...

My long lost friend.. UFA.

Sweet September

Tuesday, 14th September 2010 marks a full 3 months after our accident.

I went for my follow up treatment (laser treatment for my scar) at Dr. Jalil Jidon's clinic. While waiting for my turn, I flipped the newspaper and saw a news about car accident involving a Police Corporal based in Ijok with his family. The word 'Ijok' reminds me of our accident scene so I showed it to Fendi whose sitting beside me. To our surprise, this was the man Fendi met to gain access to our stuff still in the Avanza in Ijok. 3 months after our accident, he met with one and that claimed his life and also his elder daughter's. My sympathy to his family, I wish there are words to console them but I believe there won't be any except the fact that his journey has come to an end and the hope that he will rest in peace.

3 months ago on this day, I lay at the hospital bed thinking of what i should do next and what's in store for me in the future. I was determined to get the surgery done soonest and get my feet back on the floor as fast as I can. But at the same time I was thinking like "will i be able to walk again?", "will I be able to have more kids" and worst "Will I be alive?! or am I going to die?"

Tomorrow will be the day I was born.. I am thankful to have gone through another year with my loved ones. I am thankful to have gone through another year being able to hug my girls at night and tell them how much I love them, I have gone through another year knowing that my younger brothers have grown up to be persons I can count on in times of difficulties, knowing that my 'most of the time' grumpy big brother loves his only sister as much as I always love and cherish him, knowing that I meant so much to my mother whose rarely even talk about it.. we just know.. and I continue to know that fact as its proven...Thankful that I have gone through another year filled with critical times but with my other half whose always think what's best for me..

While its time to celebrate another year older me, it is also time to say "Alhamdulillah" and pray that I have many more years to come.. insya-allah...

Hannah Rumaysa, is now very attached to me. She started sleeping with me, calling me

-maa-maa.. mammaaaa- something I've been longing for since the accident.

Mum has gone back to her normal operating hours- hahahaha.. no longer keep sleeping at my place.. home sweet home...I can never thank her enough what more to repay her..

OK lah, the girls is waiting for me to finish.. we're going out for a nice lunch and may be dinner...

Oh ya, before I pen off,

Today is a special day.. I would like to dedicate this part to my lovely sister - Karen Ho. who has been a wonderful, supportive sister, always with that smile and soft voice.. my big fan when it comes to food and cakes.. Happy Birthday Sister!

In Loving Memory and A view that was proven wrong..

4 years ago, I attended a funeral of a great mentor, a sister, companion and wonderful mother. It was a sudden death. She only had fever, passed out and was unconscious before she passed away peacefully beside her husband. When I reach her home, her then 10 years old daughter and her son (i think he was about 7-8 years old) was sitting beside her reciting Surah Yaasin. She looked different and that was the first time I see a lifeless body. Before she was taken away, all her children took turn to give her a final kiss goodbye. Last one was her 1 year old baby girl who refuse too get up and keep kissing her mother.. We all cried.. and at time Sarah was only 4 and as a mother I was deeply touched especially when the baby was still breastfeeding.

I was very close to both 'arwah' and her husband. She was my senior in secondary school married to our teacher when she was 16 years old I think and they both had a glamorous wedding in our school hall. When I first found out that her husband was getting married few months after she passed away, I was a bit irritated and annoyed.. (okay.. a lot!) thinking how easy his love changed places.. its like Pak Lah saying that a human heart has many 'sections'/places for different people in life.. I was like.. why the rush, why so soon? and I have so many doubts that the new person can be a good mother. I forgotten that its actually beyond my control and I have no say in that.. being too emotional over the fact that I am no one.. just a close friend. For a while I stayed away. A year after that, my teacher (arwah's husband who was also my 'abang angkat' during my school days) invited us to her daughter's 'majlis khatam qur'an'. From there my views have changes. I saw arwah's youngest daughter was very close to her stepm-mum although by that time she has already have a new baby sister. Seeing them getting along quite well, I finally felt a sense of relief... The kids are well taken care off (insya-allah). Needless to say her presence in our lives will be missed.. dearly but knowing that she will be at a better 'place' supersedes the sadness in my heart. She was a devoted mother. She was a very caring sister, a great daughter, wonderful mentor.. all in all its hard to find someone as 'cool' as my beloved and forever missed sister Sarina Shahbuddin.

Sometimes anger makes us forget the kindness people have given us. I was once blinded by that.. not any more.. though I do not want to be 'replaced' if I am no longer exist in this world, I should remember well tht when the time comes.. there is really nothing I can do.. and I don't think it will matter to me anymore. What matters most is the people left behind.. the husband, the children, the parents, siblings (list goes on) are all well taken care of.

I always remember what I had gone through during my childhood as the worst thing that had happened to me.. but after the accident I think that will be the 'worst thing happen in my life' story that I will be remembering and relaying 20 years down the road! (hahha...) as nothing beats the test of losing your children.. as I just told yasmeen last night that I love her very much.. although I might be caning her at times.. ( she said yes.. thats because you love me) I still love her and her sisters and they remain the most important person in my life that I will give up my own life for them.

Everything happens for a reason...

I might be quite late now that most of the people are heading off to Kampung but I sincerely would like to beg for forgiveness to all my friends and followers. Another year has passed and Alhamdulillah I am still around to bug your lives! hahaha

Salam Aidilfitri.. Maaf Zahir Batin from all of us..

Liza Masrina, Khairudin Affendi, Yasmeen Zulaikha, Sarah Khadijah & Hannah Rumaysa

Entry apa ni??

Lama betul rasanya tak guna Bahasa Melayu.. hehehe Sorry la Shona dear.. I missed Bahasa Melayu so this version, you will have to get Kiong to traslate it for you.

Aku sangat2 bersyukur (Alhamdulillah) and beruntung dikelilingi insan-insan ini dalam hidup aku. Fendi, my beloved husband (bahasa rojak dah keluar!), Yasmeen Zulaikha, Sarah Khadijah, Hannah Rumaysa, Mummy, Cik Man yang banyak berkorban tinggalkan rumah diorang yang sekarang ni dah jadi macam kapal karam, my Tai-Ko Nazrul Iskandar and his wifey Karen, adik2 aku Rizal Izuan, Khairil Adnan, Iqbal Amiri (yang dah lama gak la hilang), Kak Pye- my darling aunty cum nurse, Kiong and Shona, Uncle Sunny and Family, Aunty Aileen (yr call means a great deal) Mak mertua aku, nenek di kampung, Busu, Angah, Achik (husband's uncle) Gf adik2 ku.. Fatihha n Sasha yang siang malam jaga n teman kat Hospital, my bosses Mr. Rajiv Vijayanathan n wife Ms Anita, Kawan2 seperjuangan yang banyak membantu Lalitha, Shanti, Laily, Haslin, Jasni, Kak Ita, Zauyah - all your help even if it is just a prayer does help lift the burden. Semua yang telah datang melawat aku di Hospital yang menterjemahkan kepada maksud betapa seorang insan bernama Liza Masrina Ibrahim ini punyai ramai keluarga dan sahabat.

Aku selalu cakap, aku tak layak membenci orang sebab aku tak tau berapa ramai diluar sana yang membenci aku. Hakikatnya pada hari ini aku belum dapat mencari seorang pun kenalan yang bencikan aku.. Aku cume sedar betapa bertuah dan beruntungnya aku mempunyai ratusan kenalan dan sahabat yang sedia mendoakan kesejahteraan aku sewaktu aku ditimpa musibah.

Apa lagi yang aku inginkan dalam hidup ini? segalanya nampak sempurna walau dengan dahi yang kini bertanda (hehe). Aku pernah berkata dengan seorang sahabat yang aku tak mungkin dapat memaafkan seseorang yang pernah mencaci aku lebih dari yang sepatutnya. Aku terlalu benci dengan apa yang telah berlaku sehingga aku lupa yang kemaafan itu bukan hal mutlak aku! Siapa lah aku untuk tidak memaafkan orang lain bila adakalanya aku sendiri perlu minta di maafkan. Kini aku hidup tiada dendam.. tiada benci..

Aku membayangkan 15 tahun dari sekarang di usia 46 tahun, Yasmeen 23, Sarah 19, Hannah 16 aku bakal duduk semeja dengan anak2 aku, sambil gentel kuih raya mengingatkan mereka kepada tragedi yang hampir memisahkan kami. Also, remind Fendi of the days he felt so alone in doing his daily activity masa aku belum boleh berjalan.

Fendi, my husband yang nampak cool most of the time.. told me that he felt very lonely when he has to do things alone.. grocery shopping alone, buy makan alone, lagi? eh.. tak banyak pun yang kena buat alone and yet he felt lost.. awwwwwwww terharu ak! :P

Apapun ni kira entry versi Thank you kot.. kalau ada nama2 yang tidak disebutkan, ketahuilah kamu bahawa setiap apa yang pernah kamu berikan ke aku.. tak ku lupa cuma buat masa sekarang yang tengah menaip ni.. otak aku jam kejap.. harap maklum.

Adios..

Ramadhan towards the end.

Ramadhan will come to an end soon. Everything is still very fresh in mind. Too many things to be thankful for this year. Yasmeen fasted without a fuss this year.. unlike last year when she just started fasting, though she completed the whole month, there were times when she lay flat on the floor while waiting to break fast. This year, she did it easy! alhamdulillah...

Eid's preparation was done quite last minute. Usually we did our shopping before Ramadhan even started. This year it was done on the 2nd week of Ramadhan. I remember listening to a sermon which the Ustaz asked a question "Do we actually deserve to celebrate Eid when we havent' even started fasting yet?".

Ramadhan each year has its own memories. I remember Ramadhan 2002 when I was heavily preggy with Yasmeen and I only managed to fast on the 1st day. Gave birth to Yasmeen in the month of Ramadhan.

Allah gave us test to see if we could pull through. I was given a test to show how life has been so kind to me. It also reminds me of the life can be so short and nothing matters more than the life of our loved ones. We often took things for granted. Alhamdulillah.. I was given a 2nd chance. To live life the fullest. A 2nd chance to everyone else around me. I could not image having survived the accident but lost any one of my kids or lost my husband.

Hannah is more attached to me now though she still cling on mummy most of the time. I refuse to hang on the walking frame too much which makes Fendi constatly nagging near my ears! heheh sorry darling.. it is so bored having to hold that thing.

Mummy is still around helping me at home. Her place is now like an abandoned ship! Though I can walk almost steadily but I still could not squad down and bending knees is much much easier. I hope mummy do not have to be here for too long.. I think she deserve her good rest and relax.. Alhamdulillah she is very healthy.. very strong and the fact that all of us are ok is the only single thing that matters to her.

Mak (mum in law) on the other hand felt rather lonely. Its been almost 3 months now and I still did not go back to Melaka. We are usually back in Melaka once a month. Each time I call she would ask "Are you coming back to Melaka for Raya?"and I would give her an undefinite answer. I felt honoured, appreciated. She actually missed my presence in her house. I remember her crying when she first came to visit me after I was home from Ampang Puteri.

After this accident, am I a different person altogether? how has this tragic accident affect me? well, for instance, I appreciate life more. I am not a different person.. not at all... I am still very strict with the girls.. scold em, cane em, punish em when needed not because I don't feel how lucky I am to still have them but to ensure that I don't 'blow' the 2nd chance. Whats wrong is never right no matter how. I love them dearly, too much even and that is why I wanted to as much as possible guide them to the right path.. what every parents must do. I still scream sometimes (heheh)

But... I see life very very differently.. I appreciate each and every relationship.. family ties, friendship. Nothing is more important than family and friends. No matter how big a misunderstanding or a fight be it can never be more important or big enough to end those 2. I am sure hating someone can be very easy but believe me, leave it aside, start with a smile and forgive.. you gain a friend.. so why not?

Until this day I still could not find not even 1 single enemy.. but I do have so many friends and counting.

May Allah made the life of the people around me easy, guide and help me the same way they have helped me when I was in difficulties. Amin....