Its been A week Sarah Khadijah..

Its been a week...
A week of no "Hai Mak.." in the morning..
A week of no cuddly hug and tummy rubbing..
A week of no sweet smile with tiny eyes almost closed..
A week of no cute drawings and 'silly' cards..
A week of sorrow and strength all at the same time..
A week of empty hole sometimes filled with sweet memories

Its been a topsy-turvy week.. sometimes I m strong, sometimes the emotions seems to tear me apart.. Dear husband as much as possible make himself occupied with house chores.. I broke down a few times while arranging her clothes.. Something that she will usually help me do.. at least to arrange her panties in the drawer. The drawer which usually almost empty now very very full..

Sarah was born a chubby baby.. By the time she is 2, she wears clothes for a size 4. Every now and then, strangers who sees her will make remarks like 'so chubby!' and she will give them that 'i hate u' look.. but one day I came out with an idea.. I told her.. 'arah.. arah cantik tau.. gemuk ke kurus ke yang penting cantik!" (arah.. you are very pretty.. fat or skinny most importantly you look pretty) and it has boosts her confidence ever since.. she never felt being chubby is anything less than pretty, she never had the impression that being chubby would stop her from doing anything.. nothing is impossible! If i said "Arah ni gumuk la.. perut buncit'" (Arah u r fat..with a big tummy) she will reply with a smile "Ye la.. mama kan suka arah gemuk" (Yes.. U like it if i m fat) and I give her a big bear hug!

She loves being pretty.. a few days before her concert, she asked if she could put on nail polish for her year end concert. Sarah, with consultation from myself and my mother chose a sparkling pink and a fuchsia colour nail polish and her ne'ne' paint her nails.. I am not good at all with nail polish!

On the day of her concert, she woke up in the morning and asked 'should i get ready now?' I smiled at her and said.. still early arah.. and she continued asking every few hours. I even make her sleep an hour or two so that she have enough rest. I prepared her for the year end concert.. curled her hair, put on her make up, she of course put her favorite perfume on.. Wahhh!! wanginya arah.. (smeels so goood!) and she smiles sweetly making her eyes 'sepet'.. almost looked like a Japanese.. That night, she lead her group of kindy children welcoming everyone with this opening speech "Good evening ladies and gentlemen.. Thank you for coming to our graduation day, We hope you will enjoy our performance".. I cannot tell you how PROUD I am seeing her leading the speech! She really looked like a new born leader. She dances and performance and she enjoyed herself very much that night! I remember she exchanged the gift she got, a Barbie stationary set with her friend's Disney's princess set because she said her Bestie likes Barbie. Pure isn't she?

Its been a week long but it still feels as if yesterday.. it still feels like a dream and I wish I could wake up now. The reality is, I will need a lot of strength only Allah could give to go through life day by day.. Hannah, never once asked where is Arah.. She looked at her pictures sometimes kisses my table screen (i make one of sarah's pictures the wallpaper), She knows what belongs to Sarah. When she looked at books with ice cream pictures on it she will point which is hers, which is Sarah's and which is Yasmeen's but never once she asked 'Where is Sarah'. Its as if she understands what had happened..wallahu alam..

Yesterday was my cousin's 'merisik' ceremony.. One of my other cousin's youngest son, happened to be a bit chubby and when i looked at him, he really reminds me of Arwah.. I rub his tummy, hold his arm and before he left gave him a nice hug.. it does not feel like I m hugging Arah but his smile really makes me feel a little better.. Ya Allah... I really really miss my Sarah Khadijah very badly..

I know letting her go will never be easy.. it never was and never will.. but as a humble servant to Allah the Almighty, I leave everything to HIM.. May I will find peace knowing my sweet sweet honey chubby wubby is happily playing with her other friends underneath a tree in Jannah cared by Nabi Ibrahim A.S until a day when we finally meet.

Mama dah janji arah.. mama jumpa arah di pintu syurga.. Arah tunggu mama ye sayang.. Mama usaha.. mama ubah mana yang tak elok.. Kalau mama lupa dan lalai perinntah Allah, Arah ingatkan mama ye Arah.. Mama sayang Arah tapi Allah kata castle arah dah siap.. the pink and purple castle just like you always wanted.. So Arah kena pegi duduk castle Arah dah.. arah jangan takut.. nanti arah ada ramai kawan.. Mama sayang arah.. Papa Sayang Arah.. Kakak and Hannah pun sayang arah sampai bila2..lillahi ta'ala..

I wish I could say this to her face to face and see her smile at me.. I've told her when she was in the hospital.. I believe she hears me.. and as an obedient child who always listens to me.. she did as told....

Al fatihah to my baby.. Sarah Khadijah..

My Princess Sarah Khadijah - Intro

I have been quiet for so long.. have i got nothing to tell, nothing to share or i just could not make time for my old fav thing to do.. write..

About 1.5 years ago I decided to finally tender my resignation. A plan that was K.I.V after we all met with the tragic car accident. I thought for as long as I can that, that accident was the worst thing could happened in my life. I really do.. after Sarah recover from her injury tremendously, with no side effect and a complete stop to her epilepsy medicine, I often think it is like a miracle.. she is such a magic.. She will once in a while for about 2-3 months after the recovery relate to us how she saw this person wearing all white taking her up to the sky.. she call tht 'person' - misterkejo.. who is this misterkejo? what does he do to Sarah? all remains a mystery only Allah knows.. wallahu alam..

Now sitting here in the living room with all the memories flashing in my head.. I have a blue wall to my right with Sarah's handwriting. She wrote -SARAH.. she scribble everywhere.. those days i used to grumble how my nice clean wall became all mural like with her drawings and handwriting.. now all i want to do now is to preserve this wall.. never never never ever going to repaint it as I will never have to chance to see that handwriting again if I do so...

So how is this Sarah Khadijah like? is she really such an angle? I can proudly say.. Yes, she is.. she was a chubby wubby little baby.. at the age of 6 years, 11 months, she weights 39kg. her last weight. But i still during the past few days before she left me, carry her and say she will forever be my baby.. something I love to do to all my girls including my eldest Yasmeen now age 10. Sarah will smile, I will kiss her forehead, rub her tummy and said.. Mama love arah... and she will say.. Arah love mama jugak..

After  I was being discharged from the hospital (i was hospitalized 21 days) I came back home so glad i could hug my girls again and to see Sarah running and singing like normal again.. She helped me bathe, most of the time trying to hold me up, help me wipe my body and apply the gel on my scar. When I complained about my ugly scar she will say "Arah tengok cantik je mama ni.." sometimes she will cry if I said I look ugly.. and keep repeating and assuring me that i look good..

She loooooves being a princess.. She always told all of us how she love to be the princess, I will be the Queen and her father the King.. She has such sweet princess like smile.. I can truly say not one person ever say they hated her.. She capture your heart with just a simple smile..

Sarah is very sensitive, a heart full of love, If i am upset of something she easily cried and she will straight apologize with tears rolling down from her chubby cheeks.. how I miss those cheeks.. the smell! Mama miss arah very much.. Arah.. u really smell like heaven..

I intend to write down each and every memory I could remember with Arwah.. to those who is following, if i happen to repeat the same memory, please forgive me as I am just another mother missing her child who will not be able to hold her until a day where we finally meet at the heaven's door in shaa allah..

Liza Masrina Ibrahim
30 November 2012 - 9.37pm