Tuesday, January 28, 2014

DATES - when it will never be the same again

Our family have been anxiously waiting for the arrival of our new baby.. My due date is supposedly 2nd Feb 2014 but I was expecting it to be a lil early. Until this is posted, we are still playing the waiting game.

Dates are numbers related to our lives. Like it or not it plays an important role in our daily life. Its a history as you recall a memory, good times, bad ones and the list goes on.

Sarah, Hannah and myself share the same birth date - 17, Yasmeen always said how she wished someone in our family share the same date as her birthday - 21st.

Ever since Sarah left us, dates become more and more important... having said that, a date is no longer only about happy thoughts, happy days but its reminds us also of our losses and sorrow.. How something so joyous as birthday is overlapped by grief and sorrow. Though we tried our very best to hide whats uphappy about a particular date, we find ourselves trying to avoid celebrating those dates. Sarah was not so well when we went for Yasmeen's birthday dinner on the 21st, she was wheeled into the ICU on 23rd November.. on my mother's birthday.. I wish I could erase that from our memory, clearly it is here to stay and WE must all learn to live with it.

Sometimes the fact that Hannah was also born on the 17th makes me feel unsecure.. I sometimes am afraid something bad will happen to her. (You know, sometimes this are all the negative thinking Syaitan is trying to play on you) and each time I will say A'udzubillah and Innalillahi wainnailaihi rojiun just to remind myself that I have nothing, nothing belongs to me and that everything belongs to the Almighty.

20th January 2014, Hannah was crying when she came down from her school van. I was puzzled. it is so not her. She is usually a happy girl all laughing and smiling but will tell u that "I am soooo tired!". That evening I took her temperature 37.4 and the thermometer light was green showing no sign of fever. I gave her fever medicine anyway. Instinct. She was ok when she went to bed that night but I was sleepless. I woke up every hour to check on her temperature.

1.19 am - I woke up and feel her forehead. Then I took her temperature. It was 38.6. I quickly went to the fridge and search for her fever med, woke her up, feed her the med wipe her body with wet towel. I woke up every 1/2 hour to feel her.. and check her temperature. Fever was subsiding.

4.20 am - Temp reading was 39.2! I did not think twice, I went straight to the fridge for another dose of paracetamol but then my husband woke up and ask when was the last time I gave her, I said 1.19am. and he said its not even 4 hours yet. I stood there.. dont have a clue what to do other than to wipe her body again and again..I remain calm but both of us know we need to do something. I called my mum and ask her to come over so that I can bring Hannah to the emergency. It was a school day and I didnt woke up Yasmeen.

5.15am - more or less that time we went to APSH waited for a while and a nurse came to attend us. Took Hannah's temp and instantly ordered us to bring her in to sponge her with water as her temp is 40! She was quick and she didnt want to explain (coz it needs to be done and I respect her for that.. she is really quick!) but Hannah was a scared and was all resisting when she was sponged with lots and lots of water on her face! so I told the nurse.. its ok, I will do it..The nurse insert med to bring down her temp.

Right after that Hannah was shivering.. that shiver.. that shiver with the blue nails.. really kills my cool.. I cried.. and hannah looked at me with her wide eyes.. then she said.. 'Ma.. stujuknya (sejuk) ma...' Oh.. Allah... i hold her tiny hands.. I said to her all will be fine.. I am here.. I was there hugging her and said.. all will be ok when my heart and in my mind I am so so so so afraid..

When she was transferred into the ward, her fever looks like settling.. then at about 10am when she was watching tv I saw her shiver a little.. then I ask her.. 'Kenapa hannah?' she said ' Hannah sejuk' I checked on her nails its turning blue and she got the shivering attack again.. We called the nurses.. they came with a pail of water asked us to sponge her.. this happened twice and both times I BROKE DOWN.. not because I think something bad is going to happen but because I do not what I can do to help her.. I am lost, helpless and I hate this feeling.. the same feeling I felt when Sarah told me.. "Ara sejuk ma.."

One of the nurses said to us "This is normal for fever.. when the temp is too high they will shiver".. I looked at her and said "Something that is ordinary for other people is not for me.. I lost her elder sister with this kind of symptom" and all she can said was "Oh.. if death there is nothing I can say la".. I never wanted her sympathy just please understand that we do not know what to do. But then again she cannot be blamed.. she doesnt know the history.

All the 2 times Hannah was having her chill.. I was really crying.. I just cannot control my emotion.. Fendi was calm.. maybe because as a man he is more positive and strong.. I admit I lost. and each time I cried.. Hannah with her almost blue lips keep uttering 'Ma.. I love u Ma..' and everytime she sees my tears she took her napkin (she will always have 1 by her side.. she suck her thumb!) and wipe my tears.

Her fever started to settle down at about 3.30 -4.00pm. Thank you to Dr. Kumari of APSH for understanding our feeling.. When she came to see us the first thing she said was.. I know.. I understand.. and I remember.. she held our hands.. and actually that is all we wanted. For someone to understand what we have been through and acknowledge that.

My worries, my fear might looked or sounded exaggerating but only one who have lost a child would understand what and how I feel.. That evening when I called to check on Yasmeen.. she asked how was hannah doing.. I couldn't answer her.. I only said.. she is getting better I think and she started crying. Then I know, I am not the only one feeling what I felt.

The first thing I do after Hannah's condition looks under control was to pray.. I know deep in my heart that Allah knows what is best for me.. While I have the fear that the coincidence of  dates is like a taboo.. I suddenly realize that all that Allah wanted to show me is that bad things or good things can happen anytime.. NO MATTER the date.

What would it be like if I gave birth on the 25th then? the same date Sarah passed away? Will i feel joy or will I sank in grief?

I always always believe whatever come my way, Allah has well prepared me from the start to handle it. Alhamdulillah... all of these happen while I am still able to care for Hannah.. If I would have gave birth to my baby earlier.. things will be tougher for Fendi to handle alone..

Hannah is on her way to recovery Alhamdulillah and her first time staying in the hospital is something that she will remember for a long time..

Monday, November 25, 2013

Its been a LONG while..

I know I have not been updating my blog for quite sometime now.. last one was when I was busy with yet another charity sale for a capability building project for my 'extended family' in Baitul Ehsan Al Khairi. Alhamdulillah all went well and they are now in the process of undergoing a few more training in sweing, baking and hopefully khat and computer labs soon..

As for myself.. Alhamdulillah... I am expecting another addition to the family very soon and alhamdulillah.. according to Dr's opinion it will be a GIRL, insya allah...all praise to our Creator.. its amazing how the Almighty had planned our life the way it is meant to be.. I have so much to be thankful for and I am blessed.

Today, is the 366th day from the day we surrender our daughter back to Our creator.. alhamdulillah.. everyday passed by with much strength only from Allah. As a mother I should say that we are full of emotions.. sometimes we have the inner strength.. sometimes we need time to console ourselves with all the missing and crying.. Yes, I do still cry.. why? its not difficult to understand actually.. I cry because of the love I have for my child..BUT.. innalillahi wainna ilaihi rojiun.. (verily from Allah we come and to All we shall all return) and living things, everything in this entire galaxy belongs to Allah and nothing is permanent.. every little thing no matter how big or small shall one day vanish from this world.

Sarah Khadijah is a very important part of our lives.. there is no way, anyone could ever replace her.. In fact no human being could be replaced by another.. A few days leading to the date we lost our child wasn't really difficult.. Its manageable.. I should say that dear husband appears stronger in emotion than I am as a mother..

November, a month i expect to be difficult will pass soon and Alhamdulillah.. Alhamdulillah.. Alhamdulillah.. I only pray for strength for me and the rest of the family to bear with the loss of someone we all loved so much by remembering her in a much fond, loving memory. To shed tears of love rather than sorrow or regret. To know and trust with all our heart that Allah has placed her in the highest, most beautiful, wonderful place, free from pain and sorrow.. we all could only dream, hope and pray to go to.. JANNAH..

Someone once said to me last year that -I was giving up on my daughter- when I decide that I must be prepared to losing her.. today I shall provide u with my answer.. I DID NOT give up.. I AM PREPARED and I do not wish to make my daughter's FINAL JOURNEY be difficult by not letting go.. I give her back to our CREATOR with strong faith that Allah KNOWS WHATS BEST for the BEST person I had in life.

Someone once questioned me last year for not making Kakak and Hannah be at the Surau to accompany Sarah during the last night she was there with us.. and For doubting that I would be able to handle the lost looking at the way I slept beside her the whole night sharing the same pillow and This is my answer :-

It is never easy for an adult to deal with the loss of a child.. so will it be easy for a child to handle the loss of her sibling?  I am amazed at how Kakak could put up to the emotion surrounding the loss of a sister.. anyone who has not been in her shoes should never question her even if she was not there that night, refuse to or even if she was watching TV to ease her emotion.. WHAT do u expect a 10 year old child do? sit next to her sister's body and CRY? Hannah is simply AMAZING.. Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for making her see and understand the journey of her sister has come to an end in the most special way.. Anyone who asked Hannah (she was 3 back then) where is Sarah.. she would calmly say.. "Ara in a castle with her TRUE LOVE".. She understand more than anyone else.. she see things clearer than anyone else.. I could handle the loss.. Alhamdulillah... no one can stop me from crying.. I can assure you I will be crying every now and then but I cry out of LOVE nothing else.. I slept beside her on the last night she was with me for I have promised her that if she comes home, I will sleep next to her just like she always wanted and I do it to keep my promise to my daughter for the last time.

Arah, Mama still keep everything you love around me.. Mama could not even remove all of your clothes from your closet.. not because I am not letting u go but I just want to keep apart of you always close to me.. I have lost you and I think it is nothing wrong keeping your things to remind me of how beautiful, cheerful, helpful, wonderful daughter I have.. I still have kan Ara.. YOU are my daughter for eternity and nothing could change that.. We are connected in a very special way no one could explain. Mama love Ara forever and ever..  I did not live a day of my life not thinking about you.. everything reminds us of you.. in a very special way.. May Allah place you in Jannah my love, may Allah keep you happy just like you kept us happy when you r here even after you're gone.. your love, your laughter, your joke and everything else stay with us.. Insya Allah.. we will one day be together again.. until then... Al-fatihah Sarah Khadijah Binti Liza Masrina.