Extra LOVE to Give Away..

I try as much as possible to just 'march forward'.. Sometimes I really do.. sometimes I paused for a while.. Sometimes, I stop for a long time trying to remember the sweet memories we once had. They remain as sweet memories but sweet memories sometimes makes your heart sore.

Last Thursday, kakak came home with an invitation letter for the school's mini sports day. I spontaneously asked kakak "So? u wanna go and cheer your little friends?".. her also spontaneous reply was "Cheer for who? If only Ara is around I will cheer for her!".. after a while I said "Jangan la cakap macam tu kakak".. my heart sore but I kept it hidden far far away in the corner of my heart. After a while she got all excited to go to the mini sportsday. She even made 'pom-pom' to cheer for her 'green house'!

Saturday came.. I know not what to expect or how I would react.. My eyes kept looking for Alesya.. Sarah's kindy best friend. When I saw her, she was wearing Green.. so I told kakak 'Alesya sama macam kakak.. rumah hijau' thinking to myself that If.. If.. (though I know there is no IF) sarah is still around she might be in green house too.. She loved green when she was a baby.. 

The students set up some stalls selling stationary and food.. Kakak wanted to buy a pen but I saw this bag of hello kitty stationary.. so I proposed to her.. she agreed.. I gave kakak 1 and I was holding another..the girl selling stationary asked me "1 or 2?".. In my heart I answered her quietly.. "I usually will buy 2.. I for Kakak and 1 for Ara.."  then I paid for 2.. Imagining how ara will be all smiling if I gave this to her those days. I miss those days.. to be able to give her things she likes..

 

People, what ever Allah give/gave you in life.. Allah will always give you more.. 

I have 3 girls.. and I will have 3 girls till the end of my life.. but since 1 of them is at a place far far better than this world, I have extra.. extra love.. sometimes I distribute it evenly to people I know.. but Allah knows best, he gave me a chance to know someone who looked like Sarah, let me have the chance to still talk, hug and hold Sarah's good friend, let me SHARE that little EXTRA LOVE  I have with others.. still sometimes.. it spills.. 

Yesterday, we went to Jusco AU2. Daiso just opened. I saw a pencil case.. I wanted to give it to Izzah.. Imagining that I am giving it to Sarah.. while I transfer the pencil, eraser, ruler and sharpener from my pouch to the pencil case I bought for Izzah.. my heart says..

"Ara.. mama bagi ni dekat Izzah.. imagining mama bagi ni dekat Ara.." I wish giving that extra love is as simple as giving a gift.. I really hope it will.. I miss hugging Ara.. I miss everything about her.. I know I might not be the best 'mother' to Ara.. but I know I have tried my best and I know I have given up myself for Ara... I know IF (though again there is not IF) I could I WOULD give up my life for her.. 

I have GIVEN UP EVERYTHING for Ara.. except MY LOVE for her.. and now I have EXTRA LOVE to give away..

I now have so much extra Love to give away.. Dear Allah, may Ara will be able to feel my love for her.. I wish I could see her smiling in my dreams.. so tht i can see how happy she is.. 

Like everything good in life is FREE, everything good in will never end and will keep on growing.. 'LOVE'

Mama Miss Ara.. Mama love Ara, Always, forever.. Al-Fatihah Sarah Khadijah..