I know I have not been updating my blog for quite sometime now.. last one was when I was busy with yet another charity sale for a capability building project for my 'extended family' in Baitul Ehsan Al Khairi. Alhamdulillah all went well and they are now in the process of undergoing a few more training in sweing, baking and hopefully khat and computer labs soon..
As for myself.. Alhamdulillah... I am expecting another addition to the family very soon and alhamdulillah.. according to Dr's opinion it will be a GIRL, insya allah...all praise to our Creator.. its amazing how the Almighty had planned our life the way it is meant to be.. I have so much to be thankful for and I am blessed.
Today, is the 366th day from the day we surrender our daughter back to Our creator.. alhamdulillah.. everyday passed by with much strength only from Allah. As a mother I should say that we are full of emotions.. sometimes we have the inner strength.. sometimes we need time to console ourselves with all the missing and crying.. Yes, I do still cry.. why? its not difficult to understand actually.. I cry because of the love I have for my child..BUT.. innalillahi wainna ilaihi rojiun.. (verily from Allah we come and to All we shall all return) and living things, everything in this entire galaxy belongs to Allah and nothing is permanent.. every little thing no matter how big or small shall one day vanish from this world.
Sarah Khadijah is a very important part of our lives.. there is no way, anyone could ever replace her.. In fact no human being could be replaced by another.. A few days leading to the date we lost our child wasn't really difficult.. Its manageable.. I should say that dear husband appears stronger in emotion than I am as a mother..
November, a month i expect to be difficult will pass soon and Alhamdulillah.. Alhamdulillah.. Alhamdulillah.. I only pray for strength for me and the rest of the family to bear with the loss of someone we all loved so much by remembering her in a much fond, loving memory. To shed tears of love rather than sorrow or regret. To know and trust with all our heart that Allah has placed her in the highest, most beautiful, wonderful place, free from pain and sorrow.. we all could only dream, hope and pray to go to.. JANNAH..
Someone once said to me last year that -I was giving up on my daughter- when I decide that I must be prepared to losing her.. today I shall provide u with my answer.. I DID NOT give up.. I AM PREPARED and I do not wish to make my daughter's FINAL JOURNEY be difficult by not letting go.. I give her back to our CREATOR with strong faith that Allah KNOWS WHATS BEST for the BEST person I had in life.
Someone once questioned me last year for not making Kakak and Hannah be at the Surau to accompany Sarah during the last night she was there with us.. and For doubting that I would be able to handle the lost looking at the way I slept beside her the whole night sharing the same pillow and This is my answer :-
It is never easy for an adult to deal with the loss of a child.. so will it be easy for a child to handle the loss of her sibling? I am amazed at how Kakak could put up to the emotion surrounding the loss of a sister.. anyone who has not been in her shoes should never question her even if she was not there that night, refuse to or even if she was watching TV to ease her emotion.. WHAT do u expect a 10 year old child do? sit next to her sister's body and CRY? Hannah is simply AMAZING.. Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for making her see and understand the journey of her sister has come to an end in the most special way.. Anyone who asked Hannah (she was 3 back then) where is Sarah.. she would calmly say.. "Ara in a castle with her TRUE LOVE".. She understand more than anyone else.. she see things clearer than anyone else.. I could handle the loss.. Alhamdulillah... no one can stop me from crying.. I can assure you I will be crying every now and then but I cry out of LOVE nothing else.. I slept beside her on the last night she was with me for I have promised her that if she comes home, I will sleep next to her just like she always wanted and I do it to keep my promise to my daughter for the last time.
Arah, Mama still keep everything you love around me.. Mama could not even remove all of your clothes from your closet.. not because I am not letting u go but I just want to keep apart of you always close to me.. I have lost you and I think it is nothing wrong keeping your things to remind me of how beautiful, cheerful, helpful, wonderful daughter I have.. I still have kan Ara.. YOU are my daughter for eternity and nothing could change that.. We are connected in a very special way no one could explain. Mama love Ara forever and ever.. I did not live a day of my life not thinking about you.. everything reminds us of you.. in a very special way.. May Allah place you in Jannah my love, may Allah keep you happy just like you kept us happy when you r here even after you're gone.. your love, your laughter, your joke and everything else stay with us.. Insya Allah.. we will one day be together again.. until then... Al-fatihah Sarah Khadijah Binti Liza Masrina.
