Part 2- Mothers' Day -Old People- Nursing Home

Sorry if I literally kept you waiting for the 2nd part of this post. I have been quite busy organizing things around me and moving into a new chapter of my life which we will talk about it later la huh..

Now, where were we?... oh ya.. The Nursing Home thingy-majigy... Is Nursing Home really that bad? I know some of you will like frown by now when I mention about it. Some even label people who send their parents to nursing home as disloyal/treacherous (derhaka) but tell me this, which is more disloyal, sending them to the nursing home to ensure that they are well taken care off and that there are people always around to attend to them especially when they are ill or keeping them at home with you but leaving them alone when you are at work. I am not against people who choose to care for their parents themselves in fact they have my highest level of respect.

Let me give u some example for you to judge la okay.. I have an aunt who is a journalist and uncle who is a a flight steward taking turns looking after my grandmother who was partially paralized due to hypertension. She could hardly do anything on her own. My aunt will do ANYTHING and I really mean ANYTHING within her means to please my grandmother and make her as comfortable as possible. As a mother I would want my children to treat me the way my aunt had treated my grandmother although I hope I will not be as grumpy as she is! My aunt doesnt cook. I remember we used to come to her apartment to help her finish up her instant pizza and all but when my grandmother said she crave for 'begedil' (its like hash brown w minced meat or like a potato patty) she really tried doing it and though she doesn't know how, she used logic to make up a recipe which at the end doesn't turn out well. When I got to know about it, I made begedil the next day and send it to my grandmothers house. Coincidently, I have extra potato which I have kept in the fridge and I must cook it up while its still good. Mum told me the next day how my grandmother liked the begedil and what others including my grandmother commented about the begedil my aunt did (tht didn't turn out well). I felt BAD! really bad and I must admit I somehow regretted sending begedil there.. maybe I should wait a bit later. Why? because I know why my aunt go through all the trouble. She has made it out of LOVE and I am sure she would be very very very happy if she receives some kind of recognition or acknowledgement especially from my grandmother. How I wish others would see all that. I understand what she feel because I always do the same thing and hope for the same thing and on a few occasion, got mocked or feel unappreciated when all I want was just a simple gesture of appreciation or at least having to say nothing is good enough! My aunt meets the criteria of a child who tend to their parents the same way (or maybe better than) her parents had tend to her when she was young and I must say my grandmother is very very fortunate! Tending to elderly people is not an easy task. It requires patience at a very high level, understanding, love and affection. I have came across many many elderly people who is very grumpy, calculative, bad tempered with very bad habit, just name it but I always keep in mind that people cannot be what we want them to be, If we choose to fight BAD with BAD that makes us equally BAD. I would want to be the most GOOD person.. and I will try my best to be just that and what better way to do it other than to be NICE to people who treated you badly. Having said that, you be able to determine the level of BAD-ness so that you will not be a victim.

I know someone who left his mother and only came back to peep at her once in a while. Why do I say 'peep'? because he came home once in a blue moon and with no intention to see what he can do to ensure that his mother (who is supposedly his responsibility) have all the things she needs to survive. Maybe he thinks that his brother is home every end of the month so he doesn't have to. When you have other siblings it means  you get to share the responsibility to care for your mother equally but this person choose to put the whole responsibility to his only brother and practically washed his hands off clean especially after he had married. He has no initiative to even try to come home to tend to his sick mother when she was warded a few times. It didn't even bother him that his mother need someone to help her buy monthly groceries if his brother could not make it back to their hometown by end of the moth for whatever reason. He didn't even care to pay for his mother's medical bills let alone chip in any amount of money for his mother's monthly supply of medicine. On the other hand, this person is the kindest person to his in-laws, including sisters n brothers in laws. He could be an 'Imam' (leader for prayers), He appeared very soft spoken and full of love. He serve food on the bed for his wife when she was sick. He practically hugs his wife and 'lullaby' her to soother her pain when she has high fever. He cried when his grandmother-in-law passed away, and he would do almost anything to please the other side of the family but did nothing for his own mother.  What kind of child is that?? I leave to you, the readers to fill in the blanks.

I believe, in life, as a human being, as a child, as a parent, as a grown up and finally as an elderly, we have to be fair and try to maintain the perfect BALANCE in life. One cannot do too much of this than the other the same way you can't eat too much of something.

We grow up seeing what other people do, extract the bad and try to avoid doing the same but to do it better. Take every bits and pieces of things you came across in life as a lesson you can learn and improve yourself. Me? Seeing all this, teaches me to be a reasonable parent, be fair, be just, be open minded, full of love as that should keep the family together. Mother, Father are as important as my Children. I only wish to do anything that will make my mother (and when I say Mother, I do mean My Own Mother and My Mother In-Law) happy, the same I would want my children to do for me. Nothing less, hopefully more.

Thanks for reading.. :)

Mothers Day - Old People - Nursing Home (Part 1)

Mothers’ Day has always been in my calendar of event ever since I could remember the date and it was especially important after I became a mother. But I rarely celebrate it seriously with a cake and fancy things for both my mother and mum-in-law.

Year 2011, as mothers day coincide with the week I am going back to my hometown, I suggested to Fendi that we buy a cake on our way home to his village and celebrate mothers’ day with Mak and Nenek. He looked somehow excited. This is the first time we really buy a cake and celebrate it for some occasion in relation to them (Mak n Nenek and not the usually grandchild’s birthday). I let him choose the cake. He carried the cake into the house with a wide smile. Mak and Nenek asked what was that in the big box? A red big box with ‘Secret Recipe’ written outside the box means nothing to them. Fendi said its a cake to celebrate ‘Hari Ibu’ for them as well as for me. Of course the kids get all excited about cake cutting! Just to share it here some of the pictures taken on that day.

Mak and Nenek is just a normal, ordinary, illiterate, kampung ladies. Their lives has been dedicated to raising their children (Nenek has 4 sons and 1 daughter-Mak whilst Mak has ONLY 2 sons). Being ‘orang nogori’ (people from Negri Sembilan) their ‘sense of belonging’ (i hope i describe it right) is very strong. I remember the first day of our wedding day, after our reception, all of them were sent home by Fendi’s friend. Knowing them, Fendi gave them a call that evening just to ensure they arrive safely. The next few days was our early days as husband and wife but a call from Mak and Nenek ruins everything. They were upset because Fendi did not call the next day and the day after. They said he must’ve forgotten all about them now that he got a wife! Not to mention other various issues they highlighted during my reception. Fendi had a tough time explaining and trying to calm them down.

It was then that I realize the truth behind what a very close ‘Kakak’ to me once said. ‘Always make your in-laws feel that they did NOT lose a son instead GAIN a Daughter’. Though that was my goal, I cannot avoid feeling frustrated, upset, angry and the list continues whenever things goes wrong especially when I have done my level best. But holding on to the statement above, I always leave to house (to come home to KL) with a feeling this statement = LETS PUT EVERYTHING BEHIND. Reason? Simple.. Nenek, she is just too old to even change the way she think, the way she do things, her perception, her style of anger basically everything.. ignore her as much as possible. Having said that, it does not mean that I hate her. I respect and love her as a grandmother and I still treasure those sweet memories we had. Old people have 1 thing in common. They don’t jump up for nothing. They are like a can of Coca-Cola.. Its only if you ‘shake’ them that they explode and splash onto your face!

I must say and admit that it is not always easy to please old people. Shantee said one day that no matter how good your relationship is with your mother in law, you can never stay together. True enough.. its already difficult enough to stay with a different person (spouse) when we first get married let alone to stay with the person who ‘created’ it! But I am satisfied that We (Fendi and I) am able to tend to her basic needs, treat her when she is ill and make things easy for her every month. If you ask me what are the ‘divine intervention’ that saved us all when the accident happened last year it was nothing but the all the good things that we have done for our folks and the fact that they still need us around!

A few hours after we cut the Mothers’ Day cake with Nenek, I was with Mak in the kitchen. She was telling me about one of Fendi’s uncle who plan to build a house after his retirement next to this house Mak is staying with Nenek now. I was jokingly telling her like ya la.. like thats gonna happen.. what if it became abandon project like the cow’s barn he was planning to build. Mak, calmly said.. ‘then its ok.. I have my plans.. I wanna go to a nursing home.. its sure nice staying there’ I was like ‘WHAT??!’ inside.. I was taken aback I feel she is saying like Fendi n I cannot take care of her. I then said ‘how do you know its nice.. u haven’t been to 1’.. and Mak, still in her very low voice said ‘I know la.. I’ve stayed in the hospital before.. nice having people around me to chat’. I then realize that I should just shut-up. I don’t wanna upset her.

I kept it to myself but keep on thinking what is going on in Mak’s mind when she said that. I took me quite sometime to realize that maybe Mak just doesn’t to trouble her son. She knows that she has only 2 sons and being a woman she will need a women to care for her. Also, having the experience tending to Nenek who sometimes can be a very grumpy old lady, fussy n what not, she knows and she understand the pain and the challenges way too much to put it to another person who is most likely to be her daughter-in-law. Most importantly, she doesn’t want to be the reason for whatever misunderstanding and eventually shaken the stability of the household and also to void having heart feeling towards her son I guess..

2 days after that, back in KL, we were in the car when I brought up this matter and talk discuss it with Fendi. When I said we will never know for sure what is in Mak’s mind and heart, what is she thinking and what is she feeling.. Mak can be very secretive at times especially when it involves feelings. Fendi said, if Nenek is no longer here, he will honour whatever Mak’s request even if it means sending her to a nursing home if that is what she wanted. He keeps on emphasising on ‘If that is what Mak wants’ but of course we shall come to decide about it when it really happens. He said, sending a mother to a nursing home if so requested by the mother does not mean that the child disown the mother but to honour a mother’s request. Some old folks wants to have friends. If at all Nenek is no longer around that leaves Mak alone in a big house with no one to chat with. She has spend so many years of her life tending to Nenek’s needs and she might just want companion.. not a husband but just friends. A child whose parents opted for Nursing Home should ensure they send their parents to a place with proper care, a paid one, with nurses and attendants to help them if needed. Visit them regularly and once in a while bring them to stay over at their home especially during festive season. What is the point of keeping your folks at home with you but leave them all alone when you’re at work? Which makes sense to me. Certainly this is not something that we already plan ya.. its just contemplating.. I don’t wanna end up having people saying ‘Liza is sending her parents and in laws to rumah orang tua2!’ tsk tsk tsk! So derhaka!

To Be Continued....