I remember one of my friend on FB, Kak Azlina Shariff, once posted on her status a question from her son. "Are we rich?". I never gave it real thought though.. until recently. People will usually look at what they have in order to give. Do we really have enough to give out to others?
When we say I do not have, does that means that we're poor? Or we just simply say we do not have in order to 'escape' from giving.
Sometimes we forgot how fortunate we are.. how much 'richer' we are as compare to other people.
1st of all, we are rich when we could still feel our heart beating. We are rich not being handicapped, we're rich when we can see.. Some people could not walk, couldn't see..
We're rich when we have so many people around us. Our family, friends, even good Samaritans who doesn't not know you but are willing to help.
We're rich because of the love we receive from others... but we rarely realize that we are 'filthy rich' to give..
We must realize that we're rich in order to give.. Give your time, give your attention, give your prayers, give your love.. especially to those around you, close to your heart.. coz we will never know when this 'wealth' will be taken away from us..
Finally, I now have an answer the next time my girls ask me this question.. I should say "Yes.. we are rich.. for being alive, for being able to walk, talk, see and touch, for having so much time and we are definitely rich with the love we have.. and for that we should always give"
Liza
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Reaching out...
I always wanted my girls to be close to me. I enjoy being around them. I wanted to be the first person to see everything, know everything. I remember the first week Yasmeen went to school (primary 1) I cried almost everyday seeing her going on to her school transportation as early as 6.30am. I also remember screaming to her in the washroom of a shopping mall when she 'pooh' in her underpants! I was so so angry.. and I was heavily pregnant with Hannah at that time. I am loving but I am strict at the same time. I can easily turn down on their request and most of the time when I am agry they are really terrified. Fendi on the other side is more of a 'kind' daddy.. but beware.. don't push your luck but he hardly turn them down despite his anger most of the time the kids know they will get what they want even if papa is not happy.
You know, when you have more tham 1, they will do so many things to get your attention. Yasmeen knows that I will always want to know what she do at school. Sarah realize that I will spend much of my time sitting with Yasmeen going through her homework so she will usually do things to catch my attention. But, she is very considerate. Yasmeen is the centre of attention bcoz of her school etc and Hannah is also centre of attention coz she is still the baby.. Sarah, will most of the time be waiting till bed time and Hannah to doze off so that I can cuddle her and try pushing her down from the bed (which is impossible as she can freeze herself and be so stiff to be at the edge of the bed like a fence!) We (sarah n me) will know our trademark "Heart feel super happy" She will make a heart shape from both thumb and index finger. It was that word that trigger her smile when she was in ICU. I remember singing to her on my handphone try to sound as nice as I can and holding back tears.
"Stay with me and we can dream forever, right here in my arm tonight.." that was her favourite song from Barbie as the Island Princess.
Yasmeen, being the eldest, its always very easy to say things to her. She is very understanding (at the most critical time, please exclude the time when she wants something really bad). With her blue-black, swollen eye, I called her my blue-berry! she insist to come to visit me in the ward when I was in Sungai Buloh but instantly cried and cried when she sees me. Poor girl! I only said to her "Please be strong for me, Sarah n Hannah. Bcoz u r the eldest, and I am hoping for you to take care of your sisters." She only nod her head and tears still rolling down her cheek.. But soon settle down.
Hannah.... (i have to take a deep breath now..) She is... well, I can say that she is more 'ok' with me now. Though I can say that I expected more. I wanted the usual clinging Hannah, the one who will be so joyous the moment she sees me. Who have her hands reaching out to me when I step into my house. We were separated so quickly and drastically, all the things that we used to do together looks kinda strange to her.
Fendi always tell me to be patient.. soon she will be close to me.. especially when I am well enough to handle her myself.. Sometimes when I reach out my hands for her she just turn her back.. feels weird to me.. and often makes me feel sad and sadder every day.. But I have created a 'bin' and its call a 'go away bin'. I will put away all the negative feelings in the bin and clear it every day.. Every day is a fresh new day.. and to get well means, physically ans mentally so.. Clear my mind is very important.
I love my girls more than anything in this world and I know every parents feel the same! Yasmeen is sitting beside me reading through all I have typed so far and hugging me when we reach here. Feels so weird having someone sitting beside you acting like a scanner! I better end this here!
Liza
You know, when you have more tham 1, they will do so many things to get your attention. Yasmeen knows that I will always want to know what she do at school. Sarah realize that I will spend much of my time sitting with Yasmeen going through her homework so she will usually do things to catch my attention. But, she is very considerate. Yasmeen is the centre of attention bcoz of her school etc and Hannah is also centre of attention coz she is still the baby.. Sarah, will most of the time be waiting till bed time and Hannah to doze off so that I can cuddle her and try pushing her down from the bed (which is impossible as she can freeze herself and be so stiff to be at the edge of the bed like a fence!) We (sarah n me) will know our trademark "Heart feel super happy" She will make a heart shape from both thumb and index finger. It was that word that trigger her smile when she was in ICU. I remember singing to her on my handphone try to sound as nice as I can and holding back tears.
"Stay with me and we can dream forever, right here in my arm tonight.." that was her favourite song from Barbie as the Island Princess.
Yasmeen, being the eldest, its always very easy to say things to her. She is very understanding (at the most critical time, please exclude the time when she wants something really bad). With her blue-black, swollen eye, I called her my blue-berry! she insist to come to visit me in the ward when I was in Sungai Buloh but instantly cried and cried when she sees me. Poor girl! I only said to her "Please be strong for me, Sarah n Hannah. Bcoz u r the eldest, and I am hoping for you to take care of your sisters." She only nod her head and tears still rolling down her cheek.. But soon settle down.
Hannah.... (i have to take a deep breath now..) She is... well, I can say that she is more 'ok' with me now. Though I can say that I expected more. I wanted the usual clinging Hannah, the one who will be so joyous the moment she sees me. Who have her hands reaching out to me when I step into my house. We were separated so quickly and drastically, all the things that we used to do together looks kinda strange to her.
Fendi always tell me to be patient.. soon she will be close to me.. especially when I am well enough to handle her myself.. Sometimes when I reach out my hands for her she just turn her back.. feels weird to me.. and often makes me feel sad and sadder every day.. But I have created a 'bin' and its call a 'go away bin'. I will put away all the negative feelings in the bin and clear it every day.. Every day is a fresh new day.. and to get well means, physically ans mentally so.. Clear my mind is very important.
I love my girls more than anything in this world and I know every parents feel the same! Yasmeen is sitting beside me reading through all I have typed so far and hugging me when we reach here. Feels so weird having someone sitting beside you acting like a scanner! I better end this here!
Liza
Sunday, July 25, 2010
My Pain, My Gain
No pain, No gain. Very true.. very very true.
I once told my friends in the office that I have never been through an operation and I don't wanna! Never thought that I will someday what more such a major operation. I was in such terrible pain.. I actually wanted the operation to be done as quickly as possible so that I can get better before my kids or at least look 'better' for them. I m not complaining although I know I might not look as good as I was but the least is I don't look scary.(scar-y is ok I guess).
When I was in the Emergency Room @ Sungai Buloh, I heard my kids crying. I call up to them but because I was weak, I sounded like I was whispering. A few times the attendants came to me asking, "Kenapa kak?" (What is it, sis?) and I said I wanna see my kids. But they just said a simple 'no'. There is this Chinese Guy Dr. whom was suprised when I speak Cantonese to him. He was very nice and he kept explaining my condition and what are their plans for me. After the accident (abt 5.30) until midnight, I was not allowed to have a drink but finally, abt 12.30 the nurse came in with a BIG bottle of purple water (grape flavour ok?!) which she said to finish it up for the CT Scan.. She even said to me.. "Minum sikit2 la kalau pahit ye kak.. ni ubat untuk CT Scan" (Sip it slowly if taste bitter.. its for the CT Scan) to her suprise I drink the med so quickly she asked, "OK a? u drink up so quickly?". I stop sipping, looked at her and said "Dik, any drink of water no matter how it taste like, taste soooo nice to me now!" and the nurse laughed!
Anyway, after I was a bit ok, they finally allowed me to see my family. My brother came. I can see from his eyes that he was really shocked to see his sister like that! He assured me that everything will be fine. Confirmed that Sarah was in ICU.. the word ICU was like a bit BANG! to my head.. My brother like his usual self.. gave me this reminder that after that keeps me going.. "U must get well!, must be strong! don't ever give up!" and his final remark when I said thank you was "U spend me, spend me a". I finally realize the love he has for me.. I truly, truly touched.. For a few days after that he juggle work and visiting Sarah in the hospital. I know everyone missed Sarah at that time.. those who know Sarah, have seen her knows how adorable she is. Later, my mother came in holding Hannah, my mum looked worried and I told her that I feel ok adi.. not to worry ( who would believe that rite?!) Hannah was restless and don't wanna come near me.. I do look horrible at that time I guess.
I gain so much more... Before the accident, I have this friend in the office (u know who u r a, J) we are not enemy but we have bad experience together, we are not so close/jolly good friend but we often irritate each other. Once she even said that she will b the happiest person if I left the company. After I have settled down, one of the 1st person I think of was her! believe it or not.. she has more than 1/2 the criteria of the ppl I would avoid and at the most critical time in my life I was thinking about her simply because.. in my heart, in my mind I said "I still have a chance to hold her hand and ask for her forgiveness.. for what ever". By saying this, it doesn't mean that I don't think of my really good friend... Shanti, Lalitha, Laily (among the first person to get the news from me, crying from the moment she receive the sms until god knows when), Rudy, many more..I even thought about the translation work which I was suppose to do!
After what has happened to me, I realize that nothing in this world matters anymore! I am still alive and all those little things (no matter how bad the 'fight' is) doesn't matter at all to me.
Little did I realize (until much later) that I DO NOT have any enemy but I have so so many Friends.
I have a HUGE circle of FAMILY ties and people who are willing to do anything for me. Including, bathing me, nursing me, taking care of me and see me in my most embarrassing moment!
I have a wonderful Husband who is willing to take care of me in my most helpless condition.
I have a really strong mother (physically, she is really fit) to help me with the kids at home. Who always hide her sorrows from me and stay strong for me!
I have good, great, helpful, generous, wonderful bosses, Mr & Mrs Rajiv Vijayanathan and Ms. Rebecca Jeyanthi Selvaraj n her sister Deborah.
Last but not least, I have all the love in this world anyone could ask for.. and I only realize that I have that after going through this 'test' Allah has fated for me.
I can say that I accept this 'test' as a 'Blessing' in disguise. I know that this is a reminder for me that there are no greater power than Allah when at one point I truly believe only Allah could help Us now, hence I only ask for people who know us to Pray for our family.
As at last night, I went out for dinner with the kids and my mother. My first ever outing after almost 1 1/2 months indoor! It was a good one except of the 'look' on other people's faces seeing a lady in a wheel chair. Some even stop and walk back to see clearer what has happen to me.. see? see? I am still attractive (with the wheelchair la!) he he..
Those who came to visit me.. I bet u guys remember what I said. As long as my girls are all OK. I will be! and Alhamdulillah.. They are and I am.
I don't mind the pain.. but I am truly 'syukur' with my GAIN.
I better log out now.. Sarah is beside me asking 'How many more minutes?" she's waiting to use the pc!
Liza
I once told my friends in the office that I have never been through an operation and I don't wanna! Never thought that I will someday what more such a major operation. I was in such terrible pain.. I actually wanted the operation to be done as quickly as possible so that I can get better before my kids or at least look 'better' for them. I m not complaining although I know I might not look as good as I was but the least is I don't look scary.(scar-y is ok I guess).
When I was in the Emergency Room @ Sungai Buloh, I heard my kids crying. I call up to them but because I was weak, I sounded like I was whispering. A few times the attendants came to me asking, "Kenapa kak?" (What is it, sis?) and I said I wanna see my kids. But they just said a simple 'no'. There is this Chinese Guy Dr. whom was suprised when I speak Cantonese to him. He was very nice and he kept explaining my condition and what are their plans for me. After the accident (abt 5.30) until midnight, I was not allowed to have a drink but finally, abt 12.30 the nurse came in with a BIG bottle of purple water (grape flavour ok?!) which she said to finish it up for the CT Scan.. She even said to me.. "Minum sikit2 la kalau pahit ye kak.. ni ubat untuk CT Scan" (Sip it slowly if taste bitter.. its for the CT Scan) to her suprise I drink the med so quickly she asked, "OK a? u drink up so quickly?". I stop sipping, looked at her and said "Dik, any drink of water no matter how it taste like, taste soooo nice to me now!" and the nurse laughed!
Anyway, after I was a bit ok, they finally allowed me to see my family. My brother came. I can see from his eyes that he was really shocked to see his sister like that! He assured me that everything will be fine. Confirmed that Sarah was in ICU.. the word ICU was like a bit BANG! to my head.. My brother like his usual self.. gave me this reminder that after that keeps me going.. "U must get well!, must be strong! don't ever give up!" and his final remark when I said thank you was "U spend me, spend me a". I finally realize the love he has for me.. I truly, truly touched.. For a few days after that he juggle work and visiting Sarah in the hospital. I know everyone missed Sarah at that time.. those who know Sarah, have seen her knows how adorable she is. Later, my mother came in holding Hannah, my mum looked worried and I told her that I feel ok adi.. not to worry ( who would believe that rite?!) Hannah was restless and don't wanna come near me.. I do look horrible at that time I guess.
I gain so much more... Before the accident, I have this friend in the office (u know who u r a, J) we are not enemy but we have bad experience together, we are not so close/jolly good friend but we often irritate each other. Once she even said that she will b the happiest person if I left the company. After I have settled down, one of the 1st person I think of was her! believe it or not.. she has more than 1/2 the criteria of the ppl I would avoid and at the most critical time in my life I was thinking about her simply because.. in my heart, in my mind I said "I still have a chance to hold her hand and ask for her forgiveness.. for what ever". By saying this, it doesn't mean that I don't think of my really good friend... Shanti, Lalitha, Laily (among the first person to get the news from me, crying from the moment she receive the sms until god knows when), Rudy, many more..I even thought about the translation work which I was suppose to do!
After what has happened to me, I realize that nothing in this world matters anymore! I am still alive and all those little things (no matter how bad the 'fight' is) doesn't matter at all to me.
Little did I realize (until much later) that I DO NOT have any enemy but I have so so many Friends.
I have a HUGE circle of FAMILY ties and people who are willing to do anything for me. Including, bathing me, nursing me, taking care of me and see me in my most embarrassing moment!
I have a wonderful Husband who is willing to take care of me in my most helpless condition.
I have a really strong mother (physically, she is really fit) to help me with the kids at home. Who always hide her sorrows from me and stay strong for me!
I have good, great, helpful, generous, wonderful bosses, Mr & Mrs Rajiv Vijayanathan and Ms. Rebecca Jeyanthi Selvaraj n her sister Deborah.
Last but not least, I have all the love in this world anyone could ask for.. and I only realize that I have that after going through this 'test' Allah has fated for me.
I can say that I accept this 'test' as a 'Blessing' in disguise. I know that this is a reminder for me that there are no greater power than Allah when at one point I truly believe only Allah could help Us now, hence I only ask for people who know us to Pray for our family.
As at last night, I went out for dinner with the kids and my mother. My first ever outing after almost 1 1/2 months indoor! It was a good one except of the 'look' on other people's faces seeing a lady in a wheel chair. Some even stop and walk back to see clearer what has happen to me.. see? see? I am still attractive (with the wheelchair la!) he he..
Those who came to visit me.. I bet u guys remember what I said. As long as my girls are all OK. I will be! and Alhamdulillah.. They are and I am.
I don't mind the pain.. but I am truly 'syukur' with my GAIN.
I better log out now.. Sarah is beside me asking 'How many more minutes?" she's waiting to use the pc!
Liza
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Lucky, Happy, Blessed to be BACK
It been a while.. no.. its been so long... at least for me. I have not been very active. I'm back today and I am really lucky, happy and feel blessed to be able to write again.
Few months back, as early as February, we (myself and fendi) were planning on going to Lumut, Pangkor area for a holiday just like we did every year. But we keep holding it for various reasons. Our holiday have always been the East Coast so why not 'change wind' (tukar angin) and go somewhere else.
We ended up choosing 2nd week of the June school holiday for the Trip to Teluk Batik which is just abt 15 mins to Lumut. It was a fun holiday with the kids enjoying their time in the pool with us.
We shop.. we really did, as we plan to have Hannah's 1st Birthday party on the 19th.
But deep in my heart, in my mind, I can sense something is not right.. I keep having this little voice whispering negative thoughts that I constantly brush away without sharing it with my husband.
It was 2pm when we pull over at a chicken rice restaurant at Sri Manjung. We had lunch, the kids enjoyed it, and we 'tapau' a bit left over, just in case the kids hungry on the way.
You know, sometimes we never realize this..
We go for a holiday, expecting it to be the usual fun, happy occassion. We hold our children as usual, handle their tantrums as usual, sometimes with a laugh, sometimes screaming at them once or twice. All that without even having the slightest thought that we will miss that.
I just finished sms-ing a friend.. not so close but we're friends. I just finishes talking to my brother who called to update me that he had failed his driving test. I had just finished talking to my husband asking him when is the next stop we can pull over so that I can clean Hannah a bit.. She was being so restless, constipating and she just woke up from a nap when suddenly, the car was shaking with a loud sound and I can almost see another car coming but never expected it to be so bad until the car stop and the voices of my childres crying at the back of the car! the last thing I would want to happen in my life.. ACCIDENT.
I know that my femur is broken. Some kind samaritan, open the back door and took Yasmeen out. Fendi was still stuck in his seat, can't move, I have to do something quick before the car explode (I thought) So, I hold on to my leg, turn myself to the back (at this point I can feel like an ocean in my stomach) I picked up Hannah, only able to held her by her tiny leg and pass her on to the person waiting outside the car. Then I looked at Sarah.. quiet at first then started crying.. I remember shouting at the guy "tolong keluarkan anak2 saya dulu bang!" (plese take my children out first) coz I really have this thought that if the car explode I would rather it be me in the car than the kids! Everyone finally is out of the car except me.. then I hear someone said "Try to come out, we can't go in.. come on, u can do this! be strong.. your kids are all outside waiting for you!" for that, using my right leg I stand up and push myself out. Fendi was waiting at the door and I fell on him.. on a funny note (after the accident) I reminded Fendi of the pose we had on our wedding day.. the same pose only different scene.. he gave a sour smile..
I was so helpless.. I can only tell my girls that everything will be fine (which I m not sure at point of time) I wanted badly to hold them , to kiss them but I can't. I can wiggle my toe, to that I know I am not paralize but the pain was bad and with blood oozing from my forehead, at times I cannot see clearly.
The only thing I remember to do at that time was to say my prayers.. recite my 'syahada' all along the way.. alhamdulillah..
At that point on time I only want my children to be fine.. I only want to see them and to make sure that they are ok.. I only want them to know how much they mean to me!
Accident aftermath
After I settledown.. and after I know the status of my girls.. I keep praying for their safety and ask for nothing from friends and family other than their prayers that my children will be fine again.. I don't care much about myself.. I know I'll pull trough.. I just want to know that my girls are fine..safe, alive and kicking! (in that sense)
I was hospitalized in Ampang puteri for almost 17 days. Had my femur, pelvic and constructive surgery on the forehead, all done at ampang Puteri.. Many thanks to Dato' Dr. Syed Abdul Latif Alsagoff and Dato' Dr. Jalil Jidon.. 2 very good doctors and all the medical staff of APSH. There is 1 trainee in Sungai Buloh Hospital who was so kind.. I can't remember her name.. many of them who had been really kind but this girl is exceptional..
Though my girls are all ok now and are at home, I still feel the setback of the accident.
My youngest girl, 1yr was still breastfeeding before that and due to my injury I wasn't being able to bf her anymore and she stopped.. because of the trauma and the sudden separation, she don't seems to remember our time together (bf time) babies have a very short memory which can be good and bad at the same time. When we first met after the accident.. I had to establish trust and make her remember me.. It was really difficult for me.. I feel sad, unwanted, helpless, I feel terrible all at the same time. I want her to miss me like she usually do.. run to the door when I come home after work! I want her to want he to carry her..
That was what i meant above.. While in my everyday life, I enjoy holding her.. caressing her, kissing her tiny cheek, I never thought that one day I will have to beg her for the same. Sometimes(before the accident) when I am too tired and she wants attention, I just hope that she can sit quietly and let me rest.. but now.. I would rather she clings on me.. wanting for my attention and all.. Don't be silly liza.. she's your girl.. of course she will love you.. but sometimes when my hand were pushed aside when I offer to carry her.. It hurts.. it really does.. and I keep telling her "Hannah... mama sayang hannah tau.." (mama love you ok..) only to be pushed on the cheek sometimes..
Nevertheless, I am thankfull to Allah.. that I was given another chance to hold my kids and be with my life partner for a longer time..
I should let my back rest.. maybe later I will continue this little thought..and memory.. and hopes..
Liza
Few months back, as early as February, we (myself and fendi) were planning on going to Lumut, Pangkor area for a holiday just like we did every year. But we keep holding it for various reasons. Our holiday have always been the East Coast so why not 'change wind' (tukar angin) and go somewhere else.
We ended up choosing 2nd week of the June school holiday for the Trip to Teluk Batik which is just abt 15 mins to Lumut. It was a fun holiday with the kids enjoying their time in the pool with us.
We shop.. we really did, as we plan to have Hannah's 1st Birthday party on the 19th.
But deep in my heart, in my mind, I can sense something is not right.. I keep having this little voice whispering negative thoughts that I constantly brush away without sharing it with my husband.
It was 2pm when we pull over at a chicken rice restaurant at Sri Manjung. We had lunch, the kids enjoyed it, and we 'tapau' a bit left over, just in case the kids hungry on the way.
You know, sometimes we never realize this..
We go for a holiday, expecting it to be the usual fun, happy occassion. We hold our children as usual, handle their tantrums as usual, sometimes with a laugh, sometimes screaming at them once or twice. All that without even having the slightest thought that we will miss that.
I just finished sms-ing a friend.. not so close but we're friends. I just finishes talking to my brother who called to update me that he had failed his driving test. I had just finished talking to my husband asking him when is the next stop we can pull over so that I can clean Hannah a bit.. She was being so restless, constipating and she just woke up from a nap when suddenly, the car was shaking with a loud sound and I can almost see another car coming but never expected it to be so bad until the car stop and the voices of my childres crying at the back of the car! the last thing I would want to happen in my life.. ACCIDENT.
I know that my femur is broken. Some kind samaritan, open the back door and took Yasmeen out. Fendi was still stuck in his seat, can't move, I have to do something quick before the car explode (I thought) So, I hold on to my leg, turn myself to the back (at this point I can feel like an ocean in my stomach) I picked up Hannah, only able to held her by her tiny leg and pass her on to the person waiting outside the car. Then I looked at Sarah.. quiet at first then started crying.. I remember shouting at the guy "tolong keluarkan anak2 saya dulu bang!" (plese take my children out first) coz I really have this thought that if the car explode I would rather it be me in the car than the kids! Everyone finally is out of the car except me.. then I hear someone said "Try to come out, we can't go in.. come on, u can do this! be strong.. your kids are all outside waiting for you!" for that, using my right leg I stand up and push myself out. Fendi was waiting at the door and I fell on him.. on a funny note (after the accident) I reminded Fendi of the pose we had on our wedding day.. the same pose only different scene.. he gave a sour smile..
I was so helpless.. I can only tell my girls that everything will be fine (which I m not sure at point of time) I wanted badly to hold them , to kiss them but I can't. I can wiggle my toe, to that I know I am not paralize but the pain was bad and with blood oozing from my forehead, at times I cannot see clearly.
The only thing I remember to do at that time was to say my prayers.. recite my 'syahada' all along the way.. alhamdulillah..
At that point on time I only want my children to be fine.. I only want to see them and to make sure that they are ok.. I only want them to know how much they mean to me!
Accident aftermath
After I settledown.. and after I know the status of my girls.. I keep praying for their safety and ask for nothing from friends and family other than their prayers that my children will be fine again.. I don't care much about myself.. I know I'll pull trough.. I just want to know that my girls are fine..safe, alive and kicking! (in that sense)
I was hospitalized in Ampang puteri for almost 17 days. Had my femur, pelvic and constructive surgery on the forehead, all done at ampang Puteri.. Many thanks to Dato' Dr. Syed Abdul Latif Alsagoff and Dato' Dr. Jalil Jidon.. 2 very good doctors and all the medical staff of APSH. There is 1 trainee in Sungai Buloh Hospital who was so kind.. I can't remember her name.. many of them who had been really kind but this girl is exceptional..
Though my girls are all ok now and are at home, I still feel the setback of the accident.
My youngest girl, 1yr was still breastfeeding before that and due to my injury I wasn't being able to bf her anymore and she stopped.. because of the trauma and the sudden separation, she don't seems to remember our time together (bf time) babies have a very short memory which can be good and bad at the same time. When we first met after the accident.. I had to establish trust and make her remember me.. It was really difficult for me.. I feel sad, unwanted, helpless, I feel terrible all at the same time. I want her to miss me like she usually do.. run to the door when I come home after work! I want her to want he to carry her..
That was what i meant above.. While in my everyday life, I enjoy holding her.. caressing her, kissing her tiny cheek, I never thought that one day I will have to beg her for the same. Sometimes(before the accident) when I am too tired and she wants attention, I just hope that she can sit quietly and let me rest.. but now.. I would rather she clings on me.. wanting for my attention and all.. Don't be silly liza.. she's your girl.. of course she will love you.. but sometimes when my hand were pushed aside when I offer to carry her.. It hurts.. it really does.. and I keep telling her "Hannah... mama sayang hannah tau.." (mama love you ok..) only to be pushed on the cheek sometimes..
Nevertheless, I am thankfull to Allah.. that I was given another chance to hold my kids and be with my life partner for a longer time..
I should let my back rest.. maybe later I will continue this little thought..and memory.. and hopes..
Liza
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